4/4/11
2:07 AM
Listening to Yasin this early morning and it’s made my heart warm and calm that is the power of al-Quran words. I want to sleep but there some disturbance just now and make my eye pop up just like fresh fish eye.
Let me tell you guys what happen yesterday, Sunday. Firstly, I meet with Alep yesterday and at the same day I go to MABES dinner, my dorm annual dinner.
Alep getting fatter than last time I saw him and I don’t know why that he choose not very handsome guy rather than good looking guy. I don’t need to explain detail about him right? He just comes here on vacation.
4/5/11
4:31 PM
Yesterday, the HEP people come in and have a spot check for any ‘setinggan’ live at my room. Well, there were actually had one people or two.
4/7/11
12:06 AM
I haven’t yet eaten anything; I mean proper food for my body. The thing is, I don’t have any money left. As I realize that I’m not a student anymore, I on my own right now, no university protection nor advantages.
Why is it that every time I friend with somebody, it must ended sadly? I don’t know, maybe because God want to teach me about the stupid and useless friendship. For me, my friend is all I got, without them, I just feel lonely again. Just like the past year.
I always asking this question, why God let me live? I try to be good person and yet everything is not all right.
Allah the almighty, please stop this pain and suffering, I pray for You, please stop this torture, I rather to be torture at Hell than here.
4/13/11
1:50 PM
I haven’t yet book ticket back to my hometown and the price seems to going up and down. Come to think of it, I think I want to memorize my memory with my friend in this diary. Every day is very precious to me because I will never ever coming back at Sabah. Perhaps if I succeed, I will come back here. Speaking about my friend, I have a great time with my friend this semester, although that my dotA friend ignore me the whole semester, but still, I have a lot of friend than them.
Alone at my room and its good for me to write this diary without disruption and I like to put something vulgar or dirty on this diary, that is what I feel about things, for certain ‘things’. Like my neighbor, I like Jack a lot. I know I like him because of his face and body but I cannot deny it, maybe it was my hormone or his pheromone that make me attracted to him. He almost looks like a nerd guy with game maniac and so do I, but the only difference is he has the looks and body but I don’t have it, not now, but someday.
He’s very expert in dotA, computer programming and other technical stuff that I haven’t yet mastered. Of course he taking a software engineering program and that make him more special to me. FYI, I’m not 100% gay, but 65% like that. I do love pussy or chick sometime but I prefer to male companionship because I want to fulfill this male love that have been empty since I was little boy.
There is another guy what has the look also, that is Q. the thing I like about him is his smile. Each time we met whenever going to toilet or just saw at certain place, he smile and greet me. You know, a smile can make cheer-up your day, just a simple smile. That is what I like about him, cute and handsome plus have a good smile and kind-hearted.
4/15/11
10:30 AM
I have a very scary and weird dream last night, it’s about my mother discover my secret; you know what I mean about secret. Anyway, I’m really horny right now because it’s has been 48 hours since the last time I ejaculate my seed and now my body desperate to release my collected seed. I know today is Friday and I’m not supposed to do something bad or erotic but my body seems to disobey my mind.
I want to donate my blood at Masjid after the Friday prayer but actually I want to go right now.
4/17/11
4:00 AM
Well, watching brother and sister makes me think again about my life and love. All I could think before I watch this drama is harsh world and wondered why Allah make’s my life like this. But I think I know why He did that.
After jerking-off with some guy in the phone, makes my body tired and I have nosebleed each day right now. Perhaps my cancer getting worst right now but I don’t care. All I want right now is spending my time to my friend at Sabah here because who knows, Allah might set His plan early. The one who should I spending time with is my mother but honestly, living at that house makes me feel lonely, even if I have my cats and my mom, I still feel lonely there. As for here, I feel not alone. I like it here.
5/1/11 9:09 AM
Just now, he call me saying that he already bank-in the money for me to buy airlines ticket. I don’t want to thinking that he help me because other else, he help me because it’s a normal thing for friend to do right?
Anyway, there’s a black kitten on top of the roof and it seems that the mother put the kitten there just to safety. For me, it is not safe and the roof very hot each day and I don’t think the kitten can hold on the heat of the sun or the cold of the rain. I try to take the kitten but the kitten afraid of me, the only thing for me to do is calling firearm here to rescue the kitten. But I don’t want to become the center of attention here.
5/25/11 2:11 AM
Back here at my bed, watching Brokeback Mountain, missing my friends and to tell you one thing, my dotA team friend, befriend with me again just before I come back to my hometown. All I want is to start well and end well. Allah has a plan for me and I know it in my heart, whether it is good or opposite, I just have to handle it.
Thinking positive and doing things right is one thing to make your mood better, I tell you. Praying 5 times a day did make a positive impact on my soul and body. Well, actually it was 4 times a day because Subuh I didn’t pray. Not that because I don’t want to, it is because my body don’t want to.
I pray and hoping that I can get any job here and all I can do is just wait and calling SCR for any kind job, but gorvenment job would be a better job for me. If I can get just one job at government, I will take that job seriously.
2:42 AM
Just finish watching Brokeback Mountain, it was a great story and very close to reality. The background of that movie is so modest and more to reality and of course, the actor superb. This movie makes me think about what love is and what sex is. Could love and sex mixing up together and become very special LOVE? Maybe love and sex is not supposed to mix and set as numbered position. First love then sex is second. If you love someone because of his/her appearance, than it’s all about sex but if you love someone because of heart, that’s other story. In my life time, I never seen a relationship that base on true love, except for the old times like my mother, my family and old timer.
The world is so demanding each time the world grow older. All I’m saying that the only true love is the love with our creator, which is God, Allah.
5/27/11 2:06 AM
Still unemployed citizen, just wait and wait for a job. Am I proud of who I am right now? Yes I am proud of what I become today, I can cook and also bake, I’m also pro with dotA and other games as well, and one thing that I’m proud is, I’m a Muslim.
Thinking positive can totally change your day actually, neither thinking negative also have the impact on your day. For me, one way for me to act and think positively is with solat, a perfect solat. Solat in Islam means pray, solat fardu means that you must and no exceptional for anyone, including the blind or paralyze person. Solat fardu consist 5 time a day, morning, afternoon, before dawn, after dawn and night time. As for me, yesterday I only pray 4 time, which morning pray I didn’t pray. It’s hard for me to wake up early because I stay up all night until 3 or 4 in the morning and I know that I should wait and pray Subuh pray, but I didn’t. The only reason is I’m too lazy and sleepy.
5/28/11 4:08 AM
Just now, my mom wake-up, hope that she in good mood this morning. Well, the reason why I still didn’t sleep at this time is I want to solat subuh. I know if I sleep at this hour, I definitely miss the morning pray. I know it is bad to stay-up late for your physical and mental health but all it’s worth for just a single solat, because who knows, you might die just before you can redeem your sin, if not, then it’s already too late.
I may not a very good at reading Quran or Arabic, but I know how to please my God, everyone God, Allah, that is pray to Him, did what He ask and obey Him. The relationship between God and a human as you can see is very close than you ever think. The reason is God is Almighty, He can hear what we think, what we speak and what we hide, because He control everything, the time, future, past and present.
I know that my previous journal or diary might be very different from what I’m writing right now but people change every single second. I learn my lesson and I hoping that I can keep it positive and clean.
9:10 am
Yes, still awake and making French bread. I’m glad that I have the ingredients to make this modified French bread; the only difference from the original is I add one egg in my dough. I hope it will taste good as it smell, the aroma of fresh baking bread make me hungry faster.
I love my cats, all my cats. Seeing my entire cat except the oldest one, sleep at my bed. I really like cats and other animal.
5/29/2011, 10:58 PM
My nose bleeding again today, I actually don’t know why, maybe because I sit too long and I don’t know what’s the term, make my nose bleed, but the weird things is, every time my nose shed blood, it’s only bleed on my right site of my nose.
I already confront many doctor, not many but only 3 doctor checking my blood test result and no abnormality on it, checking my right nose and seems to look fine. Honestly, I lie too many of my friend just because I want to get their sympathy and I did get it, but the point is do I really have a nose cancer? I don’t know, but from what my mother told me before, I use bleed my nose very often during my childhood time and I don’t really remember it. To those of my friend reading this diary/journal, maybe I have cancer and maybe I’m not, and I’m sorry for lying to you, I really am sorry.
Come to more positive side of my story live, today and yesterday I manage to solat 5 times a day, yeah!!! I’m really proud of myself and I hope that this could inspire you guys (muslimin/muslimah) to do a complete day solat. Believe me, it has more benefit beside the merit that you will get, it’s keep positive energy inside your body and soul, and each time you solat, the comfort and relaxation from wuduk (a cleansing ritual before solat/pray) and the feeling of freedom and happiness after you solat will affect your body and soul, that’s what happen to me. Try to imagine this, you pray and ask for forgiveness and anything that you would ask from the Person that create you, He knows what you do and He who control what you will do after you read this diary, you and your God have a very special time, only you and Him, do you feel ashamed or happy? He knows that you did something wrong and giving time for you to ask forgiveness from Him and still you waste the time that He give you from doing nothing? I ask as much forgiveness from Him because I know I’m a sinner and everyone living in this world today is sinner, that’s why I ask forgiveness from Him, a redemption trough Him and only Him, Allah. That is what God create solat, to ask for mercy, blessing, and forgiveness and also to praise Him because He is our Creator and Everything in this world connect to Him, bad and good, ugly and pretty. Do you still want to ask from someone in this world that can give you what He gave you right now? It’s more than enough from what He give to me and I will never fully thank Him from what He did. Do you think God create mischiefs and evil just because He like to torture us? For me, no, Allah create mischief and many bad things in this world, just for only one reason, one reason that can easily understand, He testing our faith, no matter you’re Muslim, Christian, Jews or other religion. What do you do after you create something? Of course taste it first! For example if the bread dough is too much water and less salt, what would you do to fix it, of course you adding more flour and salt until you satisfied with the result. Just like what Allah is doing to us, He already give us what He likes and dislike, just follow the rule and, InsyaAllah you would be safe in life and afterlife. Everything begin with Him and will also end with Him.
My, my, it’s like writing a statement or essay about the concept of God, and its almost ½ hour I write this thing. I’m very proud that Allah give me chance to write this statement.
5/31/2011, 3:28 PM
Just now, I break my ‘fasting’. Sadly, I didn’t saw how ‘its’ happen. For 5 days and it should be rough and strong.
6/1/11, 12:57 AM
Yesterday, I didn’t pray the Zohor prayer, reason, breaking my fast and having more negative energy today totally ruin my mood. Keeping on think that I doesn’t have any job right now makes things worst. Above all, I need to think and keep the positive attitude all the time. Allah is my god and I’m His servant and only hoping the best from Him. I know that hoping and praying is isn’t going to change my life flow but that is the only thing I can do, but is it? This Friday I’m planning to find job at Satok and hoping can find any job that suit my transportation capability.
To tell you the truth, I have a phobia, car-driving phobia. It’s kind of weird right, having a phobia to drive any vehicle, afraid of accident happen or bumping other car in front of you, that’s totally freaking me out. I’m comfortable using public transportation but at Kuching here, honestly to tell you, the public transportation here are very worst and terrible, compare with public transportation at Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. Here at my place, you have to wait almost 2 or more hours any public transportation and only one public bus available on my area. Even thou in my area also have public van but it’s just like 4 season weather.
I do want to change this public transportation problem and I planned to make a memorandum about the problem here and compare to Sabah, Sabah is more advance than Sarawak. At Sabah, they have more than 20 buses and vans available but here? Not even more than ten or less. Other than this problem, I satisfied.
6/1/11, 11:16 PM
Just finish my night prayer or solat Isyak and end with solat sunat taubat, hoping that I would not ‘doing’ that ever again, by the way, this morning I have pain and burning sensation while urinating, it just for that morning thou and nothing to be worried. At first, I think I might have prostate cancer but then after I read medical encyclopedia, it is normal and if the symptom continue, then I would have a young and cute doctor playing with my balls, hahaha, just joking. I have a friend that went see the doctor and complaining about unable to urinate for days and the doctor checking his penis and ball, seriously touching his dick and balls, at the end, nothing to be worry about.
6/4/11, 10:54 PM
My mom asking about ‘that’ things again but it seems she’s not worry about that anymore, I think. By the way, I still haven’t got a job yet, hoping that emart supermarket call me and asking me to go interview. But I have a job offer at my previous working place, the problem is I don’t have any black leather shoes and white shirt, beside I don’t know if they send their workers back after work.
Few days ago, I got mild emotional meltdown because of my mom, by the way I haven’t yet or will never breaking my ‘fast’, and today I puasa sunat, well actually puasa ganti, or replacement fast for my Ramadan last year. The actually reason is I want to slim again because ever since I come back from Sabah, all I do is eat and eat all along. I even start to realize that my jeans seem tighter than before.
6/5/11, 2:02 AM
How many times I listening to Kelly Clarkson, Already Gone makes me feel sad and want to cry? Many times, yet this sadness and unhappy feelings have some sweet in it; I don’t know how to explain. It’s like eating sweet and sour cake. Life is full with sweet and sour moments; you just have to deal with it in order to pass along. I really miss my friend…
12:37 PM
Last night, I dream something good and bad, I dream about kissing a guy that I know at high school and touching his dick. I remember at that dream kissing his neck, as if giving a hickey. That is why I said this dream is good and bad, it is good to my feeling but it is bad to my faith. I also dream about some Chinese guy asking my number and he give me his expensive hand phone to me, and I don’t know why, but that Chinese guy is very looking good and cute. I wish I can dream all night long.
About Aliff, I haven’t yet find a job to pay him back the money that I use for my ticket. I’m hoping soon I will got a job.
11:12 PM
Reading my own article about piracy, I start to realize I have potential to become a writer or any kind of writer. Yet, I miss the busyness and hardship of being a university students, I have a new title for my status that is drop-out student from UMS.
I need to stay positive in order to survive His world and His test; I also hope and pray that He reduce my hardship to success and to achieve my life goals. My life goal right now is, supporting my family with my own money.
6/7/11, 2:12 AM
I’m tired of my life actually, but I must be strong and have faith and believe in myself that someday, I will make the change in my life, and also the world. I don’t know how but someday, I believe I will. I will keep the positive energy around me and be positive about my life even thou many uncertainties may happen.
Who am I? What can I do for myself? What is my strength and weaknesses? Who am I believe to?
I’m who I am. I can do anything for myself, I can cook better than anyone that I know, including my mom yet still I have much to learn. I’m sensitive person in good way, I’m very concern person, even in little matter, I care about the person around me until I care too much I forget about myself. I believe Allah the Almighty, the only One god, the true God, the most Merciful and Kindness God, God of Everything, and to my prophet, Muhammad p.b.u.h the last prophet that teach us how to love God, the true way how to please the only one God, teaching of everything and the greatest men that ever live in this world. No words can describe how great prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h and nothing can describe how great our god, Allah.
6/9/11, 2:07 AM
Good news, I got a job offer, become a steward, a dish washer at local Muslim-Indian restaurant. Even the pay isn’t enough or not very good, but it still money right? I don’t know the exact pay yet but my mother once work there for not very long time and she said it’s RM15 per days. Well, for other might think that it isn’t enough and I have work at 1Borneo Ballroom that works only 8 hours and I get RM30 per shift. At least I got a job right? I planned to save RM 5 per day if I got daily pay and the other RM 10 for any daily needs like transportation and mobile prepaid. I want to have my own saving, from my own hands and with that, I can feel save and more secure. I also planned to invest at my Amanah Saham Bumiputra and hoping that I can continue my investment. But first, I must pay the debts to my friends. Firstly to Aliff, second pay my mother tax that already long overdue, third, pay to Christ and perhaps lastly to my stepfather.
“O Allah, the most merciful and Powerful God and also the Only One God that’s Truth and Real, I thank You for all the good things that happen to me and I also thank You for the bad things that teaching me how to be strong and positive. I also thank You for giving me the best life that I have, and also I thank You also for giving me a good and caring mother, giving me good, kind and best friend that I ever have, also I thank You for giving me the experience at University Malaysia Sabah, I appreciate the fun, sad, good memories. I thank You Allah, for Giving me this chance of life.
O Allah, I ask and pray for you and need Your favor, please give my mother and friend the blessed life and prosperity for them and also give them a good and successful life and also in the afterlife. Give me strength and confidence in order to success in Your test of faith and test of life. I’m weak from Your test and temptation, give me power to overcome Your test, O Allah. Guard me from Evil in this world and guard me from the seductive creature, Syaitan and other creature that want to break down my life and making to disobey Your command, protect also my mother from Evil and temptation and also protect my friends from Evil and give them also strength to overcome Your test. From You I born and from You I shall return, I’m Your servant and You are my Master, Please give the best in my life and my mother and my friends life. Guide them as You guide me to the Truth, Give them the right path as You give to me. I only pray and ask from You, O Allah, my only God, the Only Truthful God and also the Only One God, there is no other God beside Him, I pray and ask to You and only You. Head my pray, Your servant.”
6/11/11, 9:00 AM
Many things happen to me recently, yesterday my mom knock her head in some kind of accident, I didn’t get that job because apparently the current dish washer didn’t quit. FYI, I know or at least I guess that I fail the phone interview that I had with maybe the person who charges in HR and just this morning my mom told me that she want to work double job. At first I totally disagree because I worried about her health condition but then, it can give my family more income. I just let my mom decide what to do and by the way, I want to apply social fund for my mom.
My mom condition right now I think its fine and I also help her to ease her pain by massaging her shoulder and head. I also pray to Allah, asking to heal my mom head bruise and other health problem as well. I remember that I asking Allah to transfer or exchange my good health condition to my friend mother and transfer her health issue to me, I know it sound stupid but it’s me.
I didn’t solat subuh this morning, I want to at first, but I fail His test. Honestly, after receiving the phone call saying that I didn’t get that job, I was mad but I don’t even know that I mad. After that solat magrib, I intently skip solat Isyak and solat Subuh, then Allah pay the price to my mom.
Actually there is good thing also happen in these unwanted circumstances, I got out with my mom to town, seeing doctor at government clinic with is crowded then we eat at one of my favorite place, Rojak Suntong, and buy so many veggie that can last at least a week.
Last night, I break my ‘fast’ which is good for my tension release but bad for my faith. Remember As? My rejected brother, he also creates a blog, just like me, that blog content is all about him. I really touch by what he describing about me and his other friend. He actually admits that I’m pro in dotA, and also very good in English than himself. Above all, he is one of my great friends. I’m very sleepy right now…
6/13/11, 9:08 AM
My plan for today is find a job nearby my mom parent house but, there always a but, I’m too sleepy and so many obstacle, not enough money for public transportation, worry that my mom will find out my secret and so many more.
I gaining weight nowadays and it keep going on until I find a job that make me busy working and not busy eating. The question is how I can overcome my shyness and lacking of confidence. Every time I saw job vacancies, I always think how to don’t apply for it even I know that I need that job.
Perhaps the only job that doesn’t need meet to many people is writing, the problem is, I’m too westerner minded than Asian minded. Only minority of people want to read my story or even any story in English. Perhaps I do need a miracle, only Allah can give that. I need to rebuilt my confidence, think positively, sleep on time and remember Allah always.
6/21/11. 4:44 AM
Amazingly, I slept early last night and wake up early also. Yesterday, Alif send me a massage, asking me about my job, I don’t have any credit to reply him, although if I did have credit, I also didn’t want to reply him, maybe he short of money this time and need that money, I don’t know. By the way, last night I dream something very sexy and hard-making-boner dream. I dream that I having sex with my roommate in very sexy and almost couple like sex. Unfortunately, it wasn’t wet dream, almost looks like but I didn’t cum.
I don’t know why but I always get tired even I sleep for very long time plus my head is killing me. Maybe my tumor growing bigger and bigger, who knows?
6/22/11, 5:30 PM
Good news, my body biological sleep timing already been fixed; now I can sleep at night and wake up early morning just like typical people. Bad news, my house electric system got into some trouble and need to be fixed right away, but I already call SESCO, they said it’s not their problem and telling me to seek private for solution. This problem keep pushing the boundaries of my emotion and I know that I need to done something to get this situation better, not just only the power problem, but my entire problem. All I know is if I get a job, any job that suits me, all my problem will be ease. I must find a job, soon or later I need money and I don’t want to be not productive for my beloved country, and also I need to stay positive all the time, pray and think positive, may all the goodness and luck come to me, may Allah the Giver grant my wish and bless my live and all other people around me. Amen.
Am I a good writer? I don’t know if I’m good enough to write a book or something, I do want to make a novel but I still don’t believe in myself. Each time I begin to write something, I always worried about my English writing skill, the mistake or is my word grammatically correct or something. I don’t know if my English writing skill suit to every reader and in my mind, I always doubt myself about the quality of my writing skill. Perhaps I need a mentor to guide me… I know that maybe my English writing skill is better than some of my friend, but it doesn’t mean that my English writing skill is better than a typical America student writing skill. There is no other perfect being than God.
10:22 Pm
I’m very sleepy right now, waiting for my mp4 to recharge the batteries while listening jazz music totally can ease your emotion. I don’t know what to write, I just kill some time to wait for my mp4 batteries finish recharged. Let’s discuss about my dream. Yes, I do have a dream even I’m being not productive and wasting my time, my dream is I want to become a great chef, a celebrity chef, just like my hero, Anna Olson and Andrew Zimmern. They both have different skill and interest and I wish I can just like them. My expertise in culinary is pastry, I like sweet and sour taste, not that I can’t cook beside pastry menu, but I mostly like pastry than others. Lately, my body feels so tired and quickly getting fatigue, maybe because I lack of exercise, that’s why my body feel tired quickly. At UMS, this late evening I usually went to DC for online there, sometime with my best friend and sometime I alone. It’s like an evening workout you know, walking almost half an hour to get to that place, that was the easy part, the hardest part is to return to dorm. It’s like mountain climbing with laptop backpack, I think that is one of the reason why my body weight decrease dramatically, beside of financial shortage. I miss online at DC, downloading movie and porn, yes I did, if I’m alone of course, download games that 50/50 percent can be play using my laptop and Facebook-ing. I think all men would done the same thing as I did, online alone and download porn. Well, not most of men, but some of men, I think. Why do men watch porn? To release ‘tension’ of the body, that is one of my reason why download and watch porn. Have I tell you that I spot a men jerking off in front of his laptop, about 3 times? Yes I did, it kind of funny to watch as his ‘speed’ begin to increase and sometime it give me hard-on too, well, it’s been a long time since last time I watch live porn in front of my room. Unfortunately, he jerk with his pants on, too bad.
6/23/11, 4:54 PM
It’s rain hard right now, the only thing that I hear right now is rain water dripping very fast and thundering sound echo somewhere at the dark sky. I think I had enough telling stuff about me, well, it’s my life journal, and of course it’s about me.
I want to tell my life journey at UMS from the beginning till end. P/s this is actually my friend idea, Asreen, so I follow his idea.
Jai aka Jairudin
He is the first person that I met during MSM week. At first, he guide me to where to register and everything, I thought that he was older than me but, who cares? About Jai, very helpful person, sometimes I think he hate me for some reason but maybe it just my paranoid thinking, very sporty person who love soccer and just like other sporty guy and most of the guy, likes porn, he even share some porn with me. He teach me how to play dotA at the beginning and also very good and cheerful person. For me, Jai more likely like my own little brother and it’s nice to friend with him.
Zam aka Zambrota
Big brother, that is what I think about him. No sexual feelings nor other vulgar intention, he’s perfect for my big brother selection. I don’t really remember how I met Zam, all I remember that he asking me about what is my religion. By the way, as for me who doesn’t have any brother, Zam, I is one perfect brother to me. Allah send to me Zam so that he can guide me into success with the Will of Allah. About Zam, he quite antisocial person if you don’t really know him. As you already know him, he is not as what you think. Sometime, if I don’t have any money or food, he will help me as much as he can. All I can say about him is he is a good friend and if you don’t know Zam very well, you might get misunderstand very easily about his personality. Of course we sometime fight or argue about something and don’t talk to each other until someone started to. No friendship is perfect if no fight is involve. As for me, I’m very proud of him and I thankful to Allah because He meet me to Zam. About dota skill, I personally train him to be pro but sometime it’s hard to train a person who has very high self-motivation. He’s very good at playing solo or last hero. He’s also very good in any motorcycle or automobile topic, he even download many video about engine and other stuff that I really don’t like and care. One more thing about him, he is truly self-motivation person, very good at what he did, and also very focus about things that he should be focus, very hard working student and will not rest until he get what he wants. I pray for his success as do I pray for my success.
Khairi aka Zabimaru
Big brother to As. Hahaha, that is what I see and think about him. As for Zam is more like big brother to me and Khairi is big brother to As. About Khairi, have a mood swing type of person. I did not say it was bad but sometimes he can be too moody, especially if involving in relationship. You know what, it was him who gave me dota and I don’t know if I should be grateful or not. He have a something, what I call ‘self shell’. It is other term of selfishness. Not that he is very selfish type of person but he is good type of selfish person. Honestly, I always stole his candy or anything that I can eat to ease my hungry. I hope he don’t mind about it. Hehehe. As for his personality, he’s almost the same as Zam, only he more focusing on his image and relationship with his girlfriend, as for Khairi, he also very care about his little brother, As. Khairi always tease As in very different way and I think As kind of like what Khairi has done to him. I didn’t say it was sexual feeling but it more likes brothers and brother thing, like Zam and I. Both Zam and Khairi more mature than As and myself. That is why Khairi and Zam always been together since they both in freshmen year, same room from freshmen year until final year. Khairi and Zam is like water and fire, sometime can get together and sometimes not. Both of them have ‘self motivation’ and have their own idea and opinion. Zam is more quite person and Khairi is the opposite of Zam, that is the only difference between them, other thing else, there are much the same.
Mazje
Fun and very serious type of friend. If you know him better, than you will understand him more than you just know him like ‘that’. All I can say about Mazje is he is very hard working guy I ever meet. Even in exam time, he still work at Mc D, just to earn money. For me, I think Mazje is blessed with many great thing that he didn’t even know about it. Also, Mazje was very helpful friend and if you need money, he will lent to you. It needs more than one day to get inside Mazje world and to understand him, but as you know him better, you will find that he is what he is, that is what we call ‘understanding friend’. I like Mazje funny personality and also his hardworking and never give up motivation is always make me feel like he is better than I am in term of hardworking and self motivation. He doesn’t care about what people say about him, as long as he get what’s he want, that is what I like about Mazje, always look forwards and never give up. One more thing I learn from Mazje is finding a cheap and good stuff is better than find an expensive and good stuff. Not just from Mazje but also from Zam, if you can good stuff and the quality is same good as the expensive stuff, than what is better than cheap and good quality stuff right?
Asreen
A good friend. That is what he is, a good friend. I don’t have many things to say about him because all I can say about him is a good friend. Even we do have some conflict and misunderstanding but we both already settle it. Even if we argue about something and both of us should be blame about it, we still be friend until now. Even if I have some ‘weakness’ that he knows about it, he still not afraid to friend with me. Only Allah knows what he have done to me. I know that I shouldn’t done something bad to him but I couldn’t help myself last time, I’m sorry because I don’t have any social skill at the first place. For me, being with 4 men in one room it is totally new for me. I don’t know how to react or how to speak with them. I don’t mean to hurt people feeling, I just say or do what I think it is okay, I don’t know there is boundaries about what we speak. Sometime my behavior is like childish but perhaps it is my fault that they once didn’t even want to speak or say hi to me. I blame this to myself because it was my fault that they once hate me and think negative about my personality. I think only Asreen would understand what I have experience and perhaps, just perhaps he understand my personality and my feelings towards people. Asreen personality is almost the same as Mazje but Asreen is not very workaholic person. He is more office type of men, working under air-conditioned and stuff like that. Above all, he is a good friend.
6/28/11, 6:20 PM
Two days before my twenty second birthday, yet my life still not pretty good. No job, still depending on my mom and getting fatter each day. I don’t know what my resolution and I didn’t know what to expect this new year of mine, perhaps a good fortune or anything that can either good for me or bad. I have been thinking that perhaps, or might just perhaps, I can apply another university intake for next year, but the problem is, I may don’t have any financial support. I haven’t yet asking the government about my PTPTN and any financial issue that belongs to my previous U. Anyway, last night I dream about my friend and make me think that I would never meet them ever again. Its make me sad, very sad and I hate this sadness, and guess what, I done ‘something’ to calm my negative emotion.
The only thing that can makes me cheer up is baking.
6/29/11, 5:27 PM
Alep asking about the money today, how can I pay him if I don’t have any money and job right now? Well, I already ask GM hotel about part-time job there, and they ask me to come this Saturday and the problem is, transportation is the problem.
7/1/11, 5:53 AM
Happy Birthday Christ, you now turn 22 and hoping that you will become better in your life and may Allah bless you and bestow prosperity and happiness in this year and the year after that. As far as my birthday today, only one people wish me using text messages, that is my step sister. I appreciate that and in fact, I only need one wishes to make my birthday cheerful. But the thing is, my moms doesn’t know or remember that today is my birthday. The only thing that she think is money and money.
7/23/11, 12:11 AM
It been about a month now and still doesn’t have any job. Not that I don’t get offered a single job, I do have been offer a job working as a waiter at Grand Margarita Hotel and Pizza Hut, but the only thing that get me from doing it, is transportation. I don’t have any kind of transport; being raise from a family that doesn’t have any knowledge of transportation is very hard. The only transportation that available to me and my family is public transportation and here at Matang, the public transportation system is very suck and I hate it. Only one bus in my area and I have to wait almost 2 hours and sometimes I don’t get any bus passing by and depending on public van transportation, that is also like weather system operation, sometime the van has many and sometime doesn’t have any van at all.
I have applied to many different kind of job, from sell assistant to baker helper. This couple of night before, I had trouble sleeping and very sad dream about my friend and university. Now I owe Alep RM100 and still haven’t got a job to pay him, I don’t know if at the end of this month he will ask about it. I Promise him that at the end of this month I will pay him, but… I really don’t like my life condition right now. I know that if I got a job with no trouble doing it, my life would be better but to get that state is too hard for me right now. I use to wake up at night and thinking about my future and getting nervous just thinking about it and it make me even harder to asleep.
Money, what can I do to make you don’t control my life again?
“Allah, the Almighty and Most Forgiving, please, as your creature and servant, please give me a job that has no transport difficulty and I can earn money so that I can support my mom with my own hand. Please Allah! I try and try but please make my job search easy and please give me a government job, ya Allah! Please Allah, my God and the only God that I pray and bent my knee only for You Allah, heed my prayer and I hope You can answer my prayer soon enough and before the Ramadan comes.” Amin.
7/29/11, 10:30 AM
My prayer has been answered; I got a job as a waiter at local restaurant behind e-mart. The thing that worries me much is my debt with Alep and what I’m going to do this end of year when I return to Sabah. I have no longer legal to stay at AB, and I have to find a job at Sabah there and worst, a place to stay. Maybe I can live at my friend room at UMS but I cannot stay there for long because I’m afraid of spot check. Perhaps I can find a job with accommodation prepared or a place to rent, I don’t know. If I would say, if my friend kindly allows me to stay at their room as long as I need, then I would stay but if not, then I would have to find another place to stay.
Speaking about my job at Ayamku Restaurant, it is the most relaxing job as a waiter, you take the order and you deliver it, as simple as that. The peoples at the restaurant were also great and very kind to me. Sadly, I can only work there about 4 month or less.
7/30/11, 12:40 AM
Long day working but not tired as working at hotel. For me, working as waiter is just like my specialty and skill, I use to work as a waiter at Holiday Inn hotel for almost about 2 years if combine the time that I work there. Working as waiter hotel is not just taking order and clear dirty plates but also carrying 10 stack of chair that weight almost haft kilo each, rolling table and many more tiresome work. All the hard work and almost like training to be waiter has been pay off at this restaurant. I don’t mean to be self-proud but that’s the truth.
Yesterday morning I ask my friend about me return or repeat study as a freshmen year student, start at the beginning and he say it is possible but I think it will take time and money too. I don’t know if I can return to UMS as a freshmen year student again, this next semester I should be final year student but as you all know my story goes.
Sometime I ask myself why Allah give me this destiny, perhaps He want to punish me for what I done wrong or for what I am, but this negative thinking only make things worse. Thinking negative or doing negative stuff could not make things positive, I realize that our body is not a magnet that if you do negative things, you will attract positive energy, but if you use positive energy than you will attract positive energy. I learn one breathing exercise that I practice before I sleep, while you inhale, you must think that you inhale a positive energy and as you exhale, you exhaling negative energy that you might collect from your days of work. Not just by this breathing tactic you can attract positive energy and get rid of negative energy from your soul and body, you can pray to God in any religion way. As a Muslim, ‘solat’ is one effective way to attract good energy because you directly connected to your Creator. Praying inside your heart is also good way to increase positive attitude and energy, praying for another person is good way to train having a positive thinking about people surround you. I speak on behalf my experience, that’s why I know that using your faith and believe as positive farm energy that you can harvest it in anytime, because God, in my faith, never sleep yet never tired.
7/31/11, 6:22 AM
I know it’s early morning and I did something this morning, something that make my body feel tired, if you know what I mean. I on my limit, for about 5 days I didn’t did it. So just let go the stress collected inside my body.
Well, tomorrow is the first Ramadan and the first day of fasting day and last for 30 days or less. This Ramadan, I want complete my fasting, 30 days full. Also today I suppose to pay Alep RM100, yet I don’t have any money to pay him. Last night my boss giving salary cash to everyone except me, of course he didn’t give me salary because I start working at 27 of July.
What am I’m going to tell him? Is he know that I only begin to start working on 27 July? It’s hard for me to delaying his debt, speaking about debt, I seriously don’t have any feeling towards him anymore.
8/3/11, 2:10 AM
Just finished reading back my previous journal, I must say that I change a lot for most of the time. I begin to think positively and act positively. I’m just a human being that always has the imperfection in term of everything; the only one who should be perfect is our Creator, Allah. I forgot to mention about Ramadan day is starting few days ago and I know I should have the strength and will to overcome my temptation in this most sacred month in Islam, but as I told you before, I’m not perfect. This imperfection makes me stronger and stronger every day. How? The more I realize the thing that I did was wrong, the more I become motivated by my own act and will not do it again.
I know Allah plan a good future for me, it’s up to me whether I want it or not. I need a plan of success in this world and also the world after this world. I always keep telling myself to be positive in everything that I do and must overcome my weaknesses. Why Allah gives His creation weaknesses and why can He just make human perfect? This question always been ask by atheist thinker and as a religion thinker, I only can give one answer, if you ask more, I can elaborate more but my hand start to hurt because I lay down on my chest typing this diary. The answer is live is too boring if everything is perfect right? I can see why Allah make this imperfection to His own creation because he didn’t want our life to be too plain just like a text book, it’s always the same, no flawlessness, just a book. Allah didn’t want us to be just a human, He, in my opinion want to color our life with good and bad things. Another reason why Allah create imperfection is simply because He is the Perfection. He wants us, human to adore and worship Him as a Perfection and only He, can create such Perfection. Tell me something, if someone tell you that your cooking is perfect enough, do you believe it? Then came another person telling you that it isn’t enough salt or too sweet, do you believe them? That is why Allah create this imperfection, only He is perfect, not the food and not we, because we depend on Him for perfection.
3:25 PM
Did I tell you that I didn’t fasting today? That’s funny because couple days ago I did fast but at my off day, I eat egg and fried banana. By the way, yesterday night, I dream something slutty and steamy about my friend. I done something good yet bad at the same time with him, he shoots his seed at my face. At first I do like it but then, as I think about the negative and positive, I feel bad about this dream. I was As who shoot his seed at my face. I don’t want to mention it very detail but it was good and bad dream after all.
8/7/11, 1:00 AM
I know I should sleep this time of hour but my mind still have a lot of things to explain in this journal, or maybe, just maybe this journal can be publish, so that all people know about my pain and happiness. That is just a dream that still blurring right now but who knows? Only Him know everything because He control everything.
As a Muslim, I should admit myself as a Muslim but soon as I work at Ayamku Restaurant, I have to lie about my true religion. I don’t know why they rather take non-muslim worker than Muslim worker. Just for your information, yesterday, not this yesterday, I had food poisoning situation that is very ugly and painful situation. Of course I didn’t fast today and yesterday because I need to drink and rehydrate my body because my body loose very much of water because of the food poisoning. It seems weird because nowadays my body loosing water more than usually does, I don’t know why. I do know that if I tell doctor about it, I can predict about what they will react or say, they say that my body dehydrated fast because of the temperature or because my body need more water than usual human being. Also the same as my nose bleeding condition, they would say that my nose are sensitive to smell or something, but experience nose bleeding very often is not a sensitive nose condition. Can you imagine that suddenly your nose bleed without any pain or anything? I’m tired right now…
8/8/11, 12:11 AM
I should take a shower after long day at work but my body seems to feel okay and want to skip shower. I know that it is bad for my body but who care? Meanwhile, my mother seems to be sick and her neck was quite hot after I massage her body and neck. I pray to Allah to restore and heal any kind of her sickness and to ease her pain, I hope Allah answer my prayer, I know He hear it, it is now up to His will now.
For me, debating among atheist people is useless. Why this atheist people want to correct people who at first already correct? If you don’t believe in God, than you should keep in yourself and not trying to ‘wake-up’ people from what you all call God, ‘children imaginary things’ or whatever you call God.
In my opinion, atheist people mind think that praying, chanting, reading Holy Scripture and doing religion ritual is useless, but is it really useless? In term of emotion state, when someone praying for their mother or their love ones and hoping that the Divine One will protect them will give them some comfort, or at least a little bit of comfort, for them to ease their emotion worrying. As for atheist people, all of they can thing is fact, nothing neither more nor less. I don’t know how atheist people express their emotion or asking for help if no one is able to help them, you must know that no matter how many your friends or girlfriend or boyfriend have, you still sleep alone, you still eat alone, you still go to toilet alone, you still do stuff by yourself, alone, than who would you ask for help if you get into any trouble? Calling your friend? What if all of your friend is unable to help you? Who else would help you if not God or anything you might call it? Do you afraid that God will let you down and don’t help you exactly what you wanted to? Think again, my friend, for me, people without religion belief is like a robot, doing exactly what has been programmed, not to think other than fact, because fact denies any chance of possibility.
Have you ever think what happen if you die? I have a question for you, let say that you are a famous chef with many dish that you design by yourself, would you want to just let go your dish into nothingness? You own your own dish, that is what God do, He own us, just like your first dish that you create, at the end, you will eat that dish and taste it, is it good or bad, do I need to add some more sugar or more lemon zest, but it’s already too late, because that dish already gone into your stomach. I know some of you might be confuse about what I’m trying to say and I beg your pardon because I’m too sleepy and need to close my eye and regain my energy.
5:08 PM
I didn’t fast today, why, because I’m too damn horny and need to release my ‘inner tension’. I realize that I have a premature ejaculation problem, it take less than couple of minute to release my ‘inner tension’. I don’t know why but maybe because I been ‘doing’ it since I was in little child. My body becomes hypersensitive to any touches or anything. My co-worker use to poke my ribs and it really tingly than anyone who experience it.
8/11/11, 12:19AM
Just doing what must be done just now and right now listening to sleep aid hypnosis. Today many thing happen at my work place, my boss want me to study about cashier system and ask two of the current cashier to teach me, one of them is very hard teacher and the other one is soft teacher. Being scold about not doing my job very well and even smallest thing she ‘moha’. I keep telling myself that this is the part of what I must overcome before continue the part of success. May Allah bless and guide my way to the way of Goodness and Victory in this life and also in afterlife.
8/12/11, 12:02 AM
Honestly, I don’t want to become a cashier. Become a cashier mean you have a risk of money shortage and during closing time, if my part of the cashier profile have shortage of money, I will have to pay for that shortage. Tomorrow I try to ask my boss about this, but as I think about this fear of being a cashier, I need to overcome this fear and if I have done this, than it will be a great victory for me. Of course everybody make mistake at their first time but I have to make no mistake in this job.
My boss want me to become cashier because their lack of cashier and I’m the one who have great performance among my friend, not that their don’t have any great performance but I was the one the boss want to. I was afraid of shortage of money and money is not great subject in my life right now, that’s why I work to gain money and to control money, not money control me. I find my own money and feed with my own hand, I do want to by broadband soon after my first payday and I hoping that my boss give me a raise, perhaps 600, if so, than I can plan my financial without no worries. 450 is good enough for me, but I have to pay this and that, balance only maybe around 100 or 200. I need to save at least 100 from my first payday till the end of my work because I need that money for me to spend at Sabah this November. I also plan perhaps by a bouquet of flower to my friend who graduate this November but this for me is too common to do, perhaps I can bake a cake for my friend, one tin of cake can divided to 3 or 4 pieces. I also need to find somewhere to stay, perhaps still UMS or rent nearby UMS or my workplace. May Allah guide me to success.
10:07 AM
I really miss Sabah and my friend, but most of all, I miss As. I don’t know what is this feeling that I have towards As, but I think it is lust rather than love. I always have this feeling and at the end, it all end with bad circumstances. I may not find a true love but always find lust base love, perhaps the only true love is with my God and my mom and cats.
I need to confess something about As, I did something that a horny man usually did if he find any sexual item that belong to the person who he like. It happen during my second semester in freshmen year, I saw a underwear belong to him, I don’t know what is happen to me back then, I just too damn horny and I took the underwear and jerk on it. I know if you read this As, I’m totally sorry for that, you have to forgive me because back then I was too damn horny and I don’t know what is happening to me. But do not worry about that underwear, I already wash it and it didn’t left any of my cum stain.
You know As, if you read this, my childhood is always involve with sexual activity. I been molested as early as kindergarten time and after that it begin to worsen even more since I grow up. Once again I totally sorry that I have sexual feeling towards you, I hope that you can forgive me because of my sexual orientation. There is other reason why I converted to Islam, that is I want this sexual orientation stop tormenting me but it didn’t. As I think why Allah give me this forbidden sexual pleasure since I was little kid, I think He want me to know that any homosexual relationship will end up bad and no room for homo people in heaven. I always think that I will end up in hell because I like my own sex, I don’t know how to stop this unclean sex and each time I meet or see a cute men or handsome men, my mind quickly trigger the sex motor in my brain. The only thing that I can do is to not watch any people directly to their face accept for my boss or least attracted men. That is why I ask you a question about your feeling towards men. I don’t know if As may read this journal or not, but I hoping that someday, someone will read this journal and learn something about my life. I do not seek fame but what I seek is remembrance of my life.
It’s time for me to face my fear becoming a cashier today, Ya Allah, please give me strength and will power for me today and please guide me to goodness and help me to positive today and please make people around me treat me nicely and be kind to me, Oh Allah, You are my God and the Only God that Exist and there is not God than You Alone, please hear my Prayer. Amen.
8/13/11, 12:05 AM
Just now, I find someone who can play dota at my block, not meet in person, just his wireless on, say dota block 7, I try to connect but no game been created. Right now, I open my own wireless and see if he connect my wireless, hoping that he did connect later on. By the way, I did a good job becoming a cashier today.
1:54 AM
Fuh, already finish playing dotA with politek guys. 2 vs 1, Ezalor vs Naix/GM, of course Ezalor is me, at the end, I win, using new item and dagon. Hahaha, thank to Allah that makes me win. Now I need to sleep for my energy tomorrow. Huhuhu…
8/14/11, 12:19 AM
Honestly, I very disappoint today. I try to call the politect guy but he didn’t answer the phone or reply my sms. Never mind about that, I mean I totally having fun last nigh playing dotA with them.
8/17/11, 11:20 PM
Two day I didn’t fast for Ramadan, I know that it is compulsory to fast during Ramadan, but I cannot overcome my own weakness. Maybe I was upset because the politect guy didn’t want to play dota with me again, even I trying to call his cellphone, he didn’t answer it or reply my sms. I don’t know why he didn’t reply or answer my call, maybe, just maybe it was my mistake. Why? Because what I did last time. Using wireless to promote myself with my phone number and maybe his friend notice that my phone number is the same as my self-promoting wireless and I conclude that his friend tell him that I’m gay guy. well, I would never knew what exactly happen.
Every human has one or more weakness, as for me, my main weakness is guy. Not just ordinary guy but a handsome, good looking guy and very attractive guy is my weakness, why do you say? I like good looking guy, not that I don’t like girls, I do like girls but not all girls, I like polite girls, virgin girls (if there is still have), not slutty and very kind and nice personality type of girl. I have, what I call it sexual view dilemma. No matter how much I like one guy, it’s always end up with sexual feeling, not love, but with women, no matter how much I like them, it’s just love, no sexual feeling. I try to be attractive to women but my sexual feeling doesn’t really love them as much as I love them. Sexual feeling and love is very different to me, for me sexual feeling is more to men but not love, sexual feeling than love. For women, love first than sex, but to get the sex part is very difficult. I like them, but I do not like sexual feeling with them. I had asked a local magazine about this difficulty, what they say is if I truly love those women, than sex wouldn’t be a problem with her, as easy to say that word but it is very hard to prove it.
Have I like men sexually than love those men latter? Yes I have. That unlucky guy is Alep, my step brother. I had enough telling my experience about him last time, but the true is, the sexual and love feeling, I still have it. Do I want him to be my bf? Yes, I want. Do I still crazy about him? I don’t think so, but I use to crazy about him in the past and now, my focus only to get money and support myself, not just that, perhaps reenter university to get my degree, maybe at the same university or closer to my hometown. If Allah will, then I will finish my degree and make people around me proud, most of all, I want to make my mother proud.
I blame myself everything bad that happen to me, because of me, people change, because of me, people may think differently about me and my family, because of me, people around me may hate me, and because of me, I lose my friend. I do not blame anyone but me, I do not pointing finger to anyone but myself.
All this regretful feeling must stop and trying to fix what must be fixed. I now must fill myself with motivation to success, willing to take action and be confident everything that I done, with the help from Allah, I can be succeed in life and also afterlife. Now I must abandon all negative energy from my life and I must take control of my life, with the help and will from Allah, I can. Yes I can.
8/18/11, 3:16 AM
I can’t sleep, after doing that activity, my eyes not sleepy but freshy. All I can do right now is listening to music and wait for ‘sahur’ time. Today is my off day and I want to do best with it. What do I mean best is pray full, 5 times a day, than perhaps my heart can be in ease from worrying things that I should not be very worry about.
Meanwhile, I still consider myself as pro at dota, but I’m not pro enough. Not that I don’t satisfy with what I have in my ability play dota, it just I’m not good enough, that is what I feel, not very good enough. Even I can defeat Naix and GM using Ezalor, still I feel not pro enough. Maybe I lack of teamwork skill that is why I need broadband so desperately. Of course I have many use of broadband, Facebook, porn and stuff, but the real reason is, I miss my friend and need to chat with them.
I afraid of missing someone that I consider as friend and family and I hate that feeling.
8/20/11, 12:06 AM
Today, I’m very tired because of eating a lot. Yes, I didn’t fasting today. One particular things happen today, one of the customer didn’t pay and just leave the restaurant, at first my friend and I have to pay for them and as little hope for the customer to comeback and pay what their eat, their did comeback around 8 pm, apologize and pay it.
I think I did a good job today, thanks to Allah, but as for my faith, I didn’t, people who call themselves as Muslim also didn’t fasting, too much temptation today. One of my friends get into trouble yesterday and he didn’t show up to work today, as for my boss, it is last warning for him.
I must get a broadband at the end of this month. The reason why I’m so eager to have a broadband is because I’m totally bored, still playing same old game, I need more fresh information about dota and another thing that I should get also, you know what I mean, Facebook. I’m not a Facebook guy, but I use Facebook as a tool to socialize without meet face to face. As I work at Ayamku Restaurant, my confidence towards myself have improve a lot. Everyday meeting with stranger totally help me to boost my confidence until I can no longer see the flaw inside and outside of my physical body. It also helps me to stabilize my emotional state and also to release my physical and emotion tension.
Allah is the one that I should be thankful, without His permission for me to work at Ayamku, I will still jobless right now. Patience is one key to belief in Allah power, without it, you will be lose in His maze. Allah will set many paths, and each path will have its own test of faith. For me, the only war that will not finish until the last of our breath is test of faith. For me, it is war against myself. You want something that you totally like it but it is forbidden for you to have it, no matter how much you like it. Allah creates us, human, only for one thing, that is worship Him and only Him. He didn’t not need ally or foe, because He is ally and foe, He creates anything. Why would people find it so hard to understand this statement? He creates everything. We, human did not creates, we recreates what He created. Have you ever think why Allah, the God creates human must eat and drinks? Why would He create human need to eat and drinks for live? Why could He just create a human that doesn’t need food and drinks nor air to live? All I can think is He does not want us to be lazy or unproductive in His world. He knew this since the beginning He create human, He didn’t want to create human same as angle and demon, does not drink nor eat to live. If not, we human become a robot human, can live without food and water, same as stone and sand, live for all the time since He create stone and sand. I live for Him, as do everything in this world, no matter if you believe in Him or not, you still His creation, everything He created including good and bad, is in His own will and judgment. If He want you to be bad person, you will be bad, if He want to destroy the good people and let the bad people win, He can do it. He is too powerful to have enemy, even Satan, afraid of Him because he know that it is Him who created them. Satan like people to become bad because of jealousy, in Islam, Allah ask Satan to bow against Adam and Eve, but he disobey and say why should I bow to clay and mud creation, while I create from flame. Allah already know this would happen, because He created them at the first place before He create We, human. Can you see, that Allah ask angle and demon to bow and respect human. Angle bow to Adam, but Angle also ask why would Allah create human that have such destructive thinking and mind, such dangerous creation that can make many hideous thing in His land, why would Allah give human a sinful feelings? Why would Allah give human a mind to think while other creation such as angle and demon is not? You should think about this for yourself, for your understanding about God creation. God does not need a son, because We are His creation, and He is our God. Allah is too Holy and too Supreme to have anything against Him. I don’t know if you guys didn’t understand what I trying to say but I hope for you atheism out there, please consider your point of view about Creation. Try to rethink about it, if you need prove or what so ever, try to think, should I need the prove of Greatness of Allah or as for non-muslim God? Do not wait the prove until you die and been ask by two angle later on, because if you wait and seeking the truth while the truth is already in front of your eye, than you will never find what you try to find. “If God does exist, then where is He?” I know this statement is your AK47 for argument against the believer, in every discussion, it come to this popular question, where is God. Honestly, I have no idea where is He, if you ask me, but all I know that He exist in everywhere. He is in heaven, waiting to punish the sinner and reward the devotee.
Huh, I think I can be a good religion speaker right now.
8/22/11, 12:15 AM
I could not wait to get my broadband but I haven’t yet decided what communication system to use. My friend, As told me that Celcom is better than Maxis but I want to try Maxis because I’m still royal to Maxis. I don’t know about you but I’m very excited and eager to wait the end of this month, my first payday and also my first broadband is in my hand.
I should be excited about other things such as Merdeka and Raya Day, but for me, Raya Day is not very meaningful to me compare with Christmas Day. I like Christmas because I have a lot of good memories about Christmas, not that I still loyal to my previous religion, but the celebration of Christmas still can have impact on me. One more thing why this Raya is not very pleasant to me this year is because I didn’t properly fast in this Ramadan. I hope and pray to Allah that nothing bad will happen to me this month and also the months that will come.
As a Muslim, we must respect and honor all the creation of Allah, including animals and other living things. Also as a Muslim, we have some rule about animals, that is cannot touch pig and dog, unless trying to help them to ease their pain and suffering, that would be allowed.
I don’t understand why people still trying to hurt or do bad things towards animal, not just pig and dog but to all animals. There some people in my neighborhood torture dog, as if dog doesn’t deserve to live and must die, dog is dirty and human is not. I hate people have this kind of mind set, not just to the Muslim people but to all people around the world. I hate you guys!
Can you imagine a sick dog trying to get up and also trying to walk pass the shop and someone, kicking the dog and that dog stumble on ground and try again to walk and that person kicking again behind the dog? What is wrong with human nowadays? Treating dog as things that have no honor and pride, I very much hate this kind of person. If I see someone that doing bad things to any kind of animal, only Allah will know what I do.
Allah forbids us to touch dog and pig, but did He ask us to torture them? No, as do all other animal in this world. Have you ever think why there are so many case tiger kill a human? Whose fault is it? Is it the tiger or human? Of course you would think that the one who should blame is the tiger because the tiger kill the human but have you ever think why he kill the human? Tiger eats what? Tiger do what? Do tiger have same mind as we are? Do tiger think like we think? The only thing that tiger think is food and safety of his or her pack. What would we do then? The tiger see us as an enemy or their meal and what would you do if we can think this simple statement? Do we still want to be near the tiger? Do you want to show off your friend by going closer to the tiger? Do you want to get close to the tiger with no experience about its behavior? Do you stupid enough not to think?
Domestic dog depend on us, stray dog depend on us and what we do if their food and drinks all come to us?
1. “Oh my religion say I mustn’t give the dog food, because Allah forbid us, Muslim to touch them, so I must hit and kill the dog before it can touch me”
See this mistake of human mind think? Especially the Muslim, I myself a Muslim and I do not think like that. How can this thinking first started? Allah only forbid us to eat or touch pig and dog, but Allah did not ask or allow us to kill or hurt any animal. Try to find in the Quran, that Allah allow us to torture animal or killing animal. This message especially for the Imam and the person who has very high religion knowledge or very holy men or women, try to find any words in the Quran that allow us to kill or torture animal. If you want to debate me in this topic, please stop your ‘niat’ because you know how will win in this debate. Allah didn’t ask us to hate animal, Allah ask us to love animal because it was His creation for us, human. Without animal, human will be alone in this world, human will only eat green things. There is a reason why Allah or God creates animal and other living things, it just up to us to think what is the reason.
2. “Oh the dog is not my dog, for what I give it food that I have right now, I work at restaurant and my boss said I should not give the dog food, so I didn’t give the dog food.”
3. “It is not my responsibility to taking care of hungry dog.”
4. “I can’t do anything for that dog.”
5. “Go away! You dirty dog!”
This kind of, what I call bullshit is always people thinking about. We, human is actually more dirtier than dog, because dog doesn’t have any sin nor merit, the dog will not be judge during the end of day but the dog will become the witness about what have we done in this world. For me, I hate people who do this kind of thing, hitting, killing, torture for money or food and anything that has to do with animal abusing. I am an animal lover, I love all kind of animal, including to what my religion say mustn’t touch or eat, I love that animal, because Allah create all of this animal just because He want human to have some companion in this world and who knows, the pet that we love and taking care of it, can be our one of savior during the Judgment Day.
“God, please let this person go because he/she already done many good deeds to me and also to other animal as well, please reduce his/her sin, because You are my God.”
Would you like this kind of prayer being said to you? If me, I definitely wanted to. Each living things in this world will become our jury.
To those who doesn’t like animal that much, please, if you see stray animal, don’t hit or hurting that animal, you can just simply walk away or if you can help the animal, help them, because in Islam believe, Allah will help you just like you helping the poor animal, but Allah will help you 40 times more than you help the animal. If you are rich people see some stray cat or dog that need medical attention, please, send them to animal doctor, at least you can ease and stop their pain if the animal could no longer be save. Try to think what if I’m the sick or hungry cat or dog, what can I hope from human to save me?
I hate animal hater.
8/25/11, 10:51 PM
Off day today that is. I know I should be fasting today but last night I done something that prevent me from fasting today. One more week before my first payday and I hoping and praying to Allah that my salary would be as good as my job, maybe RM500 would be enough for me. Not that I don’t appreciate what I will get, I just need money to pay many things, first my auntie transportation fee, RM180, than come to Alep, RM100, my broadband that I must buy this month, RM100 and lastly astro bill, RM60. This month I cannot save any money and perhaps next month, after paying my auntie, broadband bill, and taxes, perhaps I can save up to RM100. Next month also I need to buy ticket for my returning to Sabah in this November and I think in October salary I would be able to save a lot and standby for my departure to Sabah. How can I find a good job at 1B as good as my job right now? I hope I can find a better job at 1B with better salary. I planned to find a place to rent near 1B and I hope and pray to Allah, that He might make my journey easy and without any obstacle.
My body feels hot right now and I gain more weight since I work at Ayamku Restaurant. Chicken skin, that is what makes me fat.
Am I a handsome or cute guy in women eye? Am I a handsome or cute guy in men’s eye? I don’t know, all I know is I’m handsome and cute in my eye, I’m not sure about other people thought about my attractiveness but I feel sexy and I like my body. Not that I like my body to be fat and heavy, I just feel comfortable in this body, sometimes I have to admit that I hate this body but in the end, this is my only body and I could not replace it with other body. I must like this body because Allah have gave me this type of body, He has His own reason why He grant me this body, in the positive way. Allah want to protect me from my own weakness through my body image, because if I have the attractiveness as other male models do have, than my life would be not as the same as right now, maybe i becoming a playboy guy and have many boyfriend or girlfriend to satisfy my sexual need, He is trying to protect me from this kind of stuff, this non-healthy sexual activity. Let just say my face is handsome and cute, would many women or guys trying to get into my pants right? My life like that would not be easy and have many things to be worried, love and lust, money for dating and many kind of hardship that I must go through. I’m glad for who I’m right now, thanks to Allah and His Kindness to me.
8/27/11, 12:20 AM
Many things happen yesterday at work, I wrongly serve Tea with Tea O and also very busy day. I realize something that before I go to bed, I must ‘do’ that, than I can go to sleep, as if ‘do that’ is my sleep routine before go to bed. Blackout happens just now, almost one and half hour blackout. It’s very dark and I wonder if what is like to be in zombie town in the night time, as I see Matang Jaya shopping district, it was too dark and very eerie atmosphere, now at least I know what is darkness mean.
Speaking about men and sex, I personally prefer to sex topic. Men for me are just face and nothing neither more nor less. What do I mean by face? I only attracted to men that have sexual appeal, I like men with cute moustache and small beard, almost macho look but at the same time, handsome guy. Have I told you about Jaka or Jack my UMS neighbor? I really like him sexually, I don’t know why I was very attracted to this guy so much that until now, I still using his face as my sexual fantasy. Maybe it is because of my need of fatherly comfort or an empty space of love in my heart that is belongs to my father love but I don’t have any father love since I was little kid. Perhaps I sexually attracted to this type of guy is because I need to fulfill this empty love, not sexual love. Perhaps I’m not gay or bi, I just misunderstood my own feelings that I need one men in my life, and that men is not any men, but my own father, I need my own father love, but in the end, I don’t have it, I don’t have any fatherly love. Maybe I just call this need, ‘replaceable love’. I replace my fatherly love into sexually men’s love. I don’t know about Jaka, he might hate me or dislike me, but I already express my feelings to him and also to Christ, my own twins at UMS. But they both didn’t reply my sms and my love. Who needs me? They both straight guy and have many women in their hands, why would they need me for sexual need because they are not gay or bi as I’m. I don’t blame them for this matter, perhaps I actually jealous to them because they have every normal man’s have, heterosexual feelings and need. For me, I do have this heterosexual feeling, just that I don’t have as much as they do, they should be thank full that they didn’t have over-sexual attracted to same sex or homosexual. Perhaps they do have but it’s only a bit in their mind. For me, I’m different than them, but this different makes me feel more thankful for what I got, this different makes me think more than just normal thinking and this different makes me, me. I might die in bisexual men, heaven or hell is up to His decision and I like my sexual feelings, just not too much at the bad side (homo side) just trying to become bisexual, balance in both sexual feelings toward men and women. About Jack, I really like him, even until this day. If I have a chance, I would be his sex slave for a day, you know right? If you attracted to someone sexually, you would think like this right? For me, Jack is my master. I know that this fantasy cannot be turn into reality, this fantasy just for my sexual fantasy need, just for my sexual need. I do want to have a relationship with men or women, but at my condition right now, I think I cannot have this kind of relationship because I don’t know how to handle my partner feelings and also my feeling. But in sexual base relationship, that is another chapter in my life. I actually prefer sexual base relationship, sex only, no love and relationship, just sexual relationship. Who wants me to be his/her partner? I don’t think anyone would want to be my sex partner, perhaps it is just my own fantasy that never meet reality. Jaka and Christ, if you read this, I still sexually attracted to you, especially Jaka, I hope you understand, it’s just sexual feelings, I hope you do not hate or disgust about who I really am.
5:59 AM
Yes, I did woke up early morning and guess what? I solat subuh just now and I feel refresh and more comfortable and I must fast today because it’s Ramadan right?
Should I continue sleep or do something? I don’t know what should I do right now. Perhaps jerk off? Perhaps play dotA? I still have at least 3 hours free time, I think I should sleep or I can just talk about my lust and love?
This is a reminder about my journal, those who read this might have different idea and did not agree in my idea, just to remind you guys that this is my though and idea about my view and opinion about many things that I have talk about, other than this is not my responsibility. People who read my lifestyle journey might think it is too bad to be true, well guess what, it is true. I apologize if I using vulgar words or inappropriate words to describe my feelings and though, this is how I express my feelings through words, I hope you guys would understand me. If you read this, I thank you for your time to read my life story, even just a slight read, I appreciate it.
Now, what else would I want to talk about? I already talk about Jaka and As, two of my sexual fantasy tool to satisfy me needs. Other guys? Well I have some other guys that I meet at UMS. The handsome and cute one? There’s a lot that kind of guy, the one that I very close to is Jaka, As, Man, Im, Q, Fikri, Fazir, Amir, Jai and other people that couldn’t recall. Lets talk about Man, he have almost Chinese look like and very white skin tone, not as white as corpse but white as a white handsome men, wearing glasses, honestly he looks cute and handsome if he wearing a glasses compare not wearing it. I know he have many fans and friend, I’m one of it. I don’t know why but his aura suddenly change dramatically, as if he lose his legal wife in car crash. I know something bad happen to him but I just could not figure it out. I don’t want to busybody but it is my duty to concern such handsome men and cute men, I do want to get inside his pant, if you know what I mean but there is a boundary and limit of friend can do and want something.
Im? He is a pro dotA gamer, just like me. He also admit that I’m pro than him but I think he was pro than I am, I might be good at any dotA hero but I’m lack of teamwork skill and also leadership skill. His face and looks? Not as good and handsome as Man but he is a normal type of guy, between in the middle. Sometime I do lusting about him, I have a huge fight with him, actually it is a misunderstanding about my anger to them and to Jaka dotA team.
Qayum, cute, not too handsome but very cute, kindhearted and very religious person. I know it was wrong to fantasize about him, but I could not hold myself. The things about Q is, he have this amazing aura that can ease people soul and mind with just a simple smile. I think it is because of his good and pretty girlfriend that makes him like that, good for him. I always fantasize about Q and Jaka making out together, it was very steamy fantasy and I bet you guys don’t want to think about it but just think, Jaka and Q, love each other and ‘tut’ each other. I always think that Q and Jaka can become a great gay couple but who am I to be judge them?
11:37 PM
Something bad and good things happen to me today. Firstly the bad thing, a Chinese family didn’t pay after their eat at the restaurant, four of us have to pay for them, they dine and ditch. The good things is, I did ‘that’ just now just straight porn, while I imagine blowing inside an innocent cute lady and as her scream to me that she need and like that to me, she told me that please cum inside her, that is what I do, cumming crazily inside her innocent pussy. I like watching straight porn actually, reason, because I like watching straight men making love with women, I like to watch their hips and dick as he fucking the poor pussy into oblivion. I got this straight porn from my friends and I honestly like it. I don’t know how to measure my sexual feelings to men and women, I sometimes can be crazy about men and sometime can be crazy about women. Perhaps this is what I experiencing, bisexual life style. Deep in my heart, I hate bisexual men, I don’t know why, maybe because I was jealous to them. Why? because they were handsome or cute bisexual men, just like Alep, I don’t know, I hope that he have girlfriend rather than boyfriend because in my opinion, having a boyfriend is just like have a sex toy in the night or at day light, as a trophy in your hearth, saying ‘I have a cute or handsome boyfriend and couldn’t not wait until this night.’ I do hope and pray for the greatness of all my friends and family, including Alep. For me, until right now, I still don’t know how he felt about me, at one point that totally miss the signal that he actually love me but I don’t even realize it.
I need to take a nice and cold shower, to clean my sins and cum stain in my pants. J
8/28/11, 11:35 PM
I really tired today, longs day at work. I did not realize that tomorrow is last Ramadan, it’s just like that Ramadan pass on.
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