The Abnormal

I may not be good friend, son or boyfriend but I think I am a good person. Yet sometimes I thought that everything that I done was wrong or not in the right path. I’m lack of confidence in my life, I don’t trust myself fully, and perhaps that is why I don’t have enough confidence. For all the time, everything that I did was wrong and everything that I do must have something wrong with it, it never been perfect enough to me or anyone else. That is why I hate myself, as if there is a curse on me that every time I did something, it must have something wrong. My family and my friend, that is all I got right know, but because of my foolish decision or action that I think it’s right to do, I almost lost them, or I already did lost them. I try to be nice or to done something good but eventually someone is taking advantage of me or I being too nice to them. I don’t know how to be nice moderately, the only things that I know how to please my friends is by spending my money on them. My thought is totally different from any normal people, I say something that I think it doesn’t going to hurt them but it was hurting them. I don’t know how to be normal in conversation because I don’t have enough experience in friendship. The only friend that I know since I was kid is my cat. The more I try to be normal person, the more it ruins my soul and life. I could never be normal. Perhaps this is the meaning of my existence, abnormal existence.

The Reason

If I gone from this world, what would happen? What is my reason for living? No reason, I think. Perhaps other people may say that ‘He’s so stupid’, ‘Idiot, you have better future if you know how to find it’, ‘Go to hell’, or ‘Life is so good, what a waste of life’. Am I stupid enough that I just let my life being torment by my mistake and every time I try to solve it, it getting worst, no matter how hard or how patience I wait, it still there? Am I having a better future right now? Did I tell you that I mess up with my education because I think too much about my friend or me just being paranoid to my friend? What’s the point for God to create hell if everybody in this world goes to heaven? Like in school or any education institution, there is a cleaver student and stupid student.

Life is full with Lies

Life is full with lies, yet this lie was shaping the world. Lies that people seems to believe it was true, lies that people see as truth, as if there were ware lies eye glasses, so that everything that they see nothing but truth. How can this eye glasses can be remove from someone eye? Just simply, take it off and dump it into trash can of abyss. But do they have guts to do that? Not just guts but will power also, do they have that? Or rather they just do nothing even thou they know it was a lie, a hoax because they already use to it! Once you use to tell like, you cannot differentiate between the real and the fake one. Is there any other way to take off those glasses?

I am Sick

Can I be saved from this life, the life that I chose from the beginning? Why must I be saved if this is the life that I want and I comfortable with? Why is it hard for me to change the things that must be change? Is it true that there is a thing that we cannot change, absolutely cannot be change? Why I always fail after I try to change? No matter how I did, I end up with failure. Is it good for me to just stop trying and just accept this life? How can I sustain the way of life that I had right now? I don’t know why or what should I do right now. Perhaps I was too afraid of taking wrong decision just like what I did right now. I realize that I was too afraid of making a decision to myself. Or I thinking too much about the decision what I should do and in the end, I just wait there as if wanted someone else to make the decision for me.
“It’s is my mistake…” Simply words yet I cannot understand what exactly it’s meaning. Actually I didn’t feel any guilt after what I done to my friend and my family, perhaps I use to it or maybe I thinking too much until I didn’t realize it at all. All my life keep questioning about whom I am or what must I do, as if I running from my true self or my mistake that I hardly admit it. My mind is too complex compare to a normal guy, thinking too much to something that should not be thinking that much. But still, I like this way, this complicated way of thinking. It may damage my soul and eating my inner self, but I comfortable to it. This is who I am and what I am…
Chill and wet, that is all happen today, the weather I mean. I love rainy day, it give me some comfort after all this things happen. Today I suppose to go work part-time at Le Meridian Hotel but as always, I got lazy to go, not that I don’t want to, it just I afraid to go alone and many more. I do want to work but when I think twice, this will happen, I don’t want to go. All I can say is it’s too late to go then don’t go.
Am I sick? Am sick to have this kind of mind, a very complicated mind and very detailed mind?

Feel Betrayed

It’s been a long time since the last time I wrote this journal. I may have been change since back then, yet I may still remain the same as it would be before. Last night, my nose was bleeding, perhaps it was a sign that death is near to me. I found something rather interesting to share than my nose bleed, it’s about my friend, my teammate for my favorite game, the game that causes me to lose my focus in my study. When I was going out to get some water, I stop by my friend room; actually that room was my previous semester room, with some of ex roommate that still live there. There is no sight of him, and then my other friend, who lives at the same room with my friend, told me that he’s gone with his laptop and probably play game with my other friend. So I went to my other friend room and I discover that he and my other friend play those games without invite me to play. Usually they will invite me but since the day I started to play with my neighbor, they, my friend stop calling me to his room to play the game. Does it hurt you when your friend suddenly stop inviting his game, not just game but other else as well, like going out to the place that usually go with three people but then go with two people?
I wish that I don’t have this kind of feelings, but I can’t.