The Last Memory

Friendship sometime can be beautiful as can be and also it can be as ugly as it can be. I may not know why this happen but I know one thing, there is no perfection in this world. As my mother tongue says, ‘tebik’ means everything have its own weakness. I realize this about one day ago, that my friend asks me to join his team because he needs more players and because one of his teammate has badminton practice, as if I’m just a backup player. I glad that I join his team and at that time I try my best for his team. But things is not good as it looks, they seems low morale because of his team is incomplete and with me there as a backup player, they seems to put all the blame on me because I’m not the guy that went to play badminton. I’m sorry that I’m not that guy but I already try my best for them. We lost, it’s all because of I’m not pro enough as the badminton guy and poor in warding. I only know how to play supportive hero in battle, not putting stick eye in woods. That is not my specialty; I think my specialty is on being supportive and also a killer. I begin to think that it is not my fault that we lose; it was they fault because they didn’t put trust on me. I know that I’m not pro’s as they are but I already try my best and this is how they repay me? At least say something after the game, say don’t worry, or pep talk or something that can ease my heart and not thinking something bad about them. At that time, after the game, no one talk to me about the game and suddenly their morale boost because of the badminton guy has arrived!! As their confidence to win the next game has increase infinite percent!!! As for me, I just packing my things and leave just like an idiot or a guy that has no chance to make his team won. All I want to say that I’m sorry that I cause their team lose and I hope they knew that I try my best for them. For me, it is a honor to play by their side even just for a backup player but please, at least they trust me a little, just a little can bring us into victory. I may not be able to play with them again and this is the last memory for me about them and the game, because I’m dying right now.

Friendship

My wish has come true. I wish that I have sickness that can never be cure by any medicine that is what I want in my life, a permanent death sick. I might have a nose cancer but I’m sure that I have it, because my body feels weak this day.
Last time, I go see the doctor and ask why my nose could not stop bleeding for almost one week, he said it might be the nose vain leak or something more terrible than that, a nose cancer. At first, I was terrified with that but then, it was my wishes having a cancer. God has answered my prayer and me thankful to God. There is no point of living in my life, I totally screwed up.
Some people might say something like poor me or sympathize for me but the things is, I really glad that I have this cancer. Death is just only the beginning of a new journey. Even I know that my journey after life is not pretty but I’m glad. I’m glad that now, I can rest or forget everything in this world or what had I done, what is matter now is things between me and God. I know that He will punish me for what I did in my life world and I willingly accept it. After all, I’m His.

The Abnormal

I may not be good friend, son or boyfriend but I think I am a good person. Yet sometimes I thought that everything that I done was wrong or not in the right path. I’m lack of confidence in my life, I don’t trust myself fully, and perhaps that is why I don’t have enough confidence. For all the time, everything that I did was wrong and everything that I do must have something wrong with it, it never been perfect enough to me or anyone else. That is why I hate myself, as if there is a curse on me that every time I did something, it must have something wrong. My family and my friend, that is all I got right know, but because of my foolish decision or action that I think it’s right to do, I almost lost them, or I already did lost them. I try to be nice or to done something good but eventually someone is taking advantage of me or I being too nice to them. I don’t know how to be nice moderately, the only things that I know how to please my friends is by spending my money on them. My thought is totally different from any normal people, I say something that I think it doesn’t going to hurt them but it was hurting them. I don’t know how to be normal in conversation because I don’t have enough experience in friendship. The only friend that I know since I was kid is my cat. The more I try to be normal person, the more it ruins my soul and life. I could never be normal. Perhaps this is the meaning of my existence, abnormal existence.

The Reason

If I gone from this world, what would happen? What is my reason for living? No reason, I think. Perhaps other people may say that ‘He’s so stupid’, ‘Idiot, you have better future if you know how to find it’, ‘Go to hell’, or ‘Life is so good, what a waste of life’. Am I stupid enough that I just let my life being torment by my mistake and every time I try to solve it, it getting worst, no matter how hard or how patience I wait, it still there? Am I having a better future right now? Did I tell you that I mess up with my education because I think too much about my friend or me just being paranoid to my friend? What’s the point for God to create hell if everybody in this world goes to heaven? Like in school or any education institution, there is a cleaver student and stupid student.

Life is full with Lies

Life is full with lies, yet this lie was shaping the world. Lies that people seems to believe it was true, lies that people see as truth, as if there were ware lies eye glasses, so that everything that they see nothing but truth. How can this eye glasses can be remove from someone eye? Just simply, take it off and dump it into trash can of abyss. But do they have guts to do that? Not just guts but will power also, do they have that? Or rather they just do nothing even thou they know it was a lie, a hoax because they already use to it! Once you use to tell like, you cannot differentiate between the real and the fake one. Is there any other way to take off those glasses?

I am Sick

Can I be saved from this life, the life that I chose from the beginning? Why must I be saved if this is the life that I want and I comfortable with? Why is it hard for me to change the things that must be change? Is it true that there is a thing that we cannot change, absolutely cannot be change? Why I always fail after I try to change? No matter how I did, I end up with failure. Is it good for me to just stop trying and just accept this life? How can I sustain the way of life that I had right now? I don’t know why or what should I do right now. Perhaps I was too afraid of taking wrong decision just like what I did right now. I realize that I was too afraid of making a decision to myself. Or I thinking too much about the decision what I should do and in the end, I just wait there as if wanted someone else to make the decision for me.
“It’s is my mistake…” Simply words yet I cannot understand what exactly it’s meaning. Actually I didn’t feel any guilt after what I done to my friend and my family, perhaps I use to it or maybe I thinking too much until I didn’t realize it at all. All my life keep questioning about whom I am or what must I do, as if I running from my true self or my mistake that I hardly admit it. My mind is too complex compare to a normal guy, thinking too much to something that should not be thinking that much. But still, I like this way, this complicated way of thinking. It may damage my soul and eating my inner self, but I comfortable to it. This is who I am and what I am…
Chill and wet, that is all happen today, the weather I mean. I love rainy day, it give me some comfort after all this things happen. Today I suppose to go work part-time at Le Meridian Hotel but as always, I got lazy to go, not that I don’t want to, it just I afraid to go alone and many more. I do want to work but when I think twice, this will happen, I don’t want to go. All I can say is it’s too late to go then don’t go.
Am I sick? Am sick to have this kind of mind, a very complicated mind and very detailed mind?

Feel Betrayed

It’s been a long time since the last time I wrote this journal. I may have been change since back then, yet I may still remain the same as it would be before. Last night, my nose was bleeding, perhaps it was a sign that death is near to me. I found something rather interesting to share than my nose bleed, it’s about my friend, my teammate for my favorite game, the game that causes me to lose my focus in my study. When I was going out to get some water, I stop by my friend room; actually that room was my previous semester room, with some of ex roommate that still live there. There is no sight of him, and then my other friend, who lives at the same room with my friend, told me that he’s gone with his laptop and probably play game with my other friend. So I went to my other friend room and I discover that he and my other friend play those games without invite me to play. Usually they will invite me but since the day I started to play with my neighbor, they, my friend stop calling me to his room to play the game. Does it hurt you when your friend suddenly stop inviting his game, not just game but other else as well, like going out to the place that usually go with three people but then go with two people?
I wish that I don’t have this kind of feelings, but I can’t.

The Regulation of Tribe

Things may seen right in our eye but it's actually not really that way. Is it good for we to do something that we like the most? of course!!! but the question is, is it good for other people other then you? or rather is it really good for you? what i mean is there are any side effect from the things that you like to do? Must we follow the law that we create just to bound our satisfaction and joy of the world? Can we disobey the of God? or Must we disobey the God command? Why can we just do what we want to do and at the same time obey the regulation, any type of regulation, from human nor God? But first, why do we need law any way?
Law is like a stone guard that will move or active when we done something bad, yet the stone guard are very slow creature. that's mean we can act as freely as we want to, as long as stone guard didn't notice what we doing.
we do agree that law will protect the rights and many kind of things but sometime law can be dangerous to someone that freely act as his or her own will, using the law it self to 'unprotecting' somebody.

Joy and Pain

There is no pain nor joy in this world, it's just world. nothing much we can expect from this world, the human, who the dominant species in so called green or blue planet sometime act like none. They call them self the dominant species but they just like other species, birth, lion, whale and many other creature or species, they share one thing, that is awareness of to living and stay living. Human really care for they children as much as other creature care much about their children as well. Perhaps the Divine power is not too hard to living creature that live in green planet as the human thought so, even in there live, there is much joy compare to pain. Perhaps the human eye can only see the paint they feel not the joy that they feel, come to think of it, human life can be see much joy then pain. they should realize about this because they still blind by the pain. Sometime human blinded by too much of pain same goes to joy.

We should not fight

Must we fight for stupid reason? Must we kill someone just because they hate us? Must we dislike a person that have something makes us hate that person? What is the point for we,human to hate other person? Where did it come from?

Nature

Nature and Human
Nature, perhaps the most precious give that God ever give to us, or for the nonbeliever, the existence of nature we all must appreciate it. The air that we breathe, the food that we ate, the sound that we hear, the wind that we feel in our skin, the creature that we see and the places that we see, it’s all thanks to God that create such a beautiful and mesmerizing nature.
We human have a something that we must appreciate it, the ability to change the world and the ability to make things that other creature doesn’t have. Brain that God give to us and the brain that God gives to mammal perhaps in biological term, are the same, but the way of thinking is different the only things that separate us from mammal and other creature that have same brain as ours.
For some many years or even thousands of years, human change the world a lot but as for other creature, most of them still remain the same like 10 000 years ago. We can see many changes in our life compare to 20 years ago, for example, last time we use big and have cell phone but today completely opposite from what we have last time.
Thanks to the nature itself, we can improve our life better in time. Nature inspires us to move and life better, yet the beauty itself has its own danger. We know that God create nature to make our life better or to make our life not empty as plain world, as if nature gives everything that human need.
As we can see, there is nothing human can create a new things or new creature without using nature resources, even my laptop using nature resources, button made from rubber and wire made from steel, everything we see is nature contribution. We only can recreate the nature and not create a nature, we merely just another creator for the existence creature. Many people misunderstand about who is the exact creator of many things, for example, a very elegant chair that cost $300 000. They say that the creator for this chair is person A, but they actually wrong, it is not person A create the chair, he or she only using a nature resource to make that unreasonable price for a chair, without the nature resource, how can he or she created that elegant chair. We are not the real creator for anything that we say we create it, we are just recreated the things that have already be created. The true creator is God, or for the nonbeliever, Mother Nature creates for us. The only things that we create are the idea of life, the idea of everything.
Idea of everything, simple word but huge meaning, a single brain of human can create many idea, some are bad and some are good. It’s hard to explain what exactly the meaning of idea, the simplest way to explain what the meaning of idea is the result from thinking or it’s just suddenly come out of the blue.
Idea is the only thing that separate human from other living creature. It’s like human is the king of the nature itself and we can do anything to nature with or without knowing the circumstance from the action doing that so.
Must the human treat other living creature like the human treat their own kind? Must the human share what they find with the other living creature? There is not exact answer for this question, but many human believe that they are the king and the other living creature doesn’t deserve to share the same luxury and the same comfortable life with them.
Why can human and other creature leaving together with peace and not killing each other? Wait just a minute, it actually human that always like that, killing other creature is a part of human life, human kill other living creature for food, luxury, and other things that benefit the human itself. Even human using animal for testing their product, safe or not, as if creature must be suffer and take the pain because human afraid to do to themself. Not just animal but other living creature as well such as plant and trees, the human selfishly using plant and tree for they own benefit but what about the contributor benefit? The human learn that in order to get something, they need to give something, but as for this, the human did not give anything or even say thanks to God or Mother Nature for this. They simply take but not give to other living creature. The greediest living creature in Earth is human itself, because they never learn about the meaning of enough. They just keep continuing and continuing until the end of time, until there is nothing left in this beautiful world.
Is it all human like that? Is it all human treats other living creature badly? Is there any meaning of humanity left inside them?

The World of Human

What do we think about nature? Do we have the rights do to anything to nature? Are we the second mother nature?

The answer for all this question is yes, we do have the rights to do anything to nature and yes we are the second mother nature.

Rights, the only thing that have rights in this world is human. We have the right to attend class or not to, we have the rights to chose which school we want to enter, we have the rights to see what movie we want to see and we have the right weather we want to fasting or not. Yes I admit that rights have it's limit, we cannot harm other human rights, that's against the human rule. If we do, than the human rule will take action. The human proud of them self because of this rights, they care about each other, they love to each other. They built things for them self and it was good for them to create something that make them feel better and better from time to time. they love the comfort of being human as if they were the king of everything. they have power to create and destroy things, they have power to make other human that they like feel safe and happy and also to make other human that they hate feel unsafe and sad. Human is the king of the planet called earth, that is why I say human is the second mother nature.

In the planet call earth or green planet, human is king of everything, compare with other creature in that planet, they are the most intelligence creature. They can make their dream come true with they own will.

Him the first part

I want to tell my story about the person who I think in love with, maybe it is not love-couple things feelings; it’s more like a brother to me. Before I continue telling my true story and other stuff, I just want to say that I am a bi person, perhaps. It’s not been so hard for me to be a big guy, nor that I have certain rule of life to obey but I try to reduce the percentage of bi to straight.

The true story that I want to tell is about someone that opens my eyes to the world of reality and fantasy. He is my friend and my enemy, he’s my love and my hatred, and he is my only family that I feel like family, beside my mom of course, she’s the one. There are so many things to say about his particular person. I like this person very much, as much as I hate him also. There is a paradox feeling about the person that you hate the most yet you love it as much as you hate it. Love itself is a mystery subjects that we, human, hard to understand what is the real meaning of love. Perhaps the real meaning of love is not the love human for other human, but the love human for its creator. Love between mankind is more complicated than the love between God and mankind. Enough of my lecturing about love, but I can’t stop it because that person is the reason I know better about love, it is his fault that make me realize this pain and joy being love. So many things happen between me and that person.

As my memory serves me correctly, I begin to know him since me in high school; he is a transfer student from religious school to public school. At first, I just watch him at the distant, don’t want to get close to him, afraid that someone say something bad like gay or something, but it’s not far from the true. I count dare to approach him so close and I feel comfortable watching him from afar.

I remember him when he comes to school, wearing a black blazer with his bold eye glass and his songkok, the face looking at me when I stare him secretly makes me feel something big in this person that will change my life, totally and it did. Something in his looks, makes me feel ease and happy, not lust but more to like then lust, I just could not express it. His cute but his is not my type. He become the prefect sectary during that time, it is a good job position to him, for his cuteness and softness in his heart and soul make him better man for that job, I think. I don’t remember much about the activity that I done with him during high school, the only thing I can remember is the bad memory that I want to forget it, very shameful memory. It is about I cause trouble to many people involving many of my so call friend and teacher, I don’t know what is happening to me at that time, crazing about something that I myself could not understand until this time. The only thing that can explain everything about my reaction and behavior is I need attention.

Can you imagine going home with no one on it, sometime there is and some there’s not? Can you imagine about being the only child in the family, neither brother nor sister that you can talk or ask for help? Can you imagine that there is nobody is teaching me how to ride motorcycle? Have you ever feel that lonely is the only brother and sister that you have in your childhood? Do you know what the meaning of lonely is? Everyone in this world has felt these feelings but is it the same with my feelings? Can you imagine being lonely with no one to talk just your pets and your parents working all day with little time to spend with you, entire your childhood? Spending your childhood in front of the TV it’s not a good memory for children. TV is the only friend you have in your childhoods; can you imagine what I have been through?

As time pass by, the passion, need and desperateness to have someone to talk seems growing more and more in my soul, that’s why I behave like that, that’s why I like troubling other to have attention on me. I had enough of this loneliness and it’s time to end this loneliness. Why am I talking about my miserable childhood, because it has to do with my memory about him? Yes it has. It’s hard for me to think again what have I been through during my high school periods, as if I myself digging my old wounds and let it bled once more, the past is too hard for me to remember.

I remember the time he slap my back with his palm, producing a very big slapping sound, at that point, I start to hate him, it was a love-hate feelings, not really hate. I think I cannot go on to tell the story, it’s too hard to remember him once more, every moment I spend time with him cures my loneliness, as I grow up and become a big men, as also my feeling to him growing, growing until its burden and such troublesome feelings to me. So many things happen, the time that we fight, the time that we with each other and all this time we spend together, I thanks to God because I have such beautiful time with him. Even it is just for short period with him but it is good enough for me to experience the love of a family, the joy to have a brother and the happiness with him, and even he doesn’t feel what I felt, it’s good for me and him. God always have his plan to all of us, and I think that it is the time for me to let go of him and move on my life. Not that I want to forget about him, it’s just that the more I think about him, the more I need to see him and talk to him and the more sadness will fill my empty heart. I don’t want empty and meaningless feelings to take over my soul again, enough is enough. It’s time to forget about him and his family, not that I want to but I must to do it for my future and for my better life.

Perhaps the reason for his lover and my sister to break up is because of me? Yes it was my fault, it’s all my fault. I admit it and I want to say sorry at that time, but I don’t know what is going on. At that time, I was very immature and need guidance for me so that I can be social with other human being. There is no one help me with that even my mom, only support me with her money but her guidance is what I really need.

There is a time that I want to commit suicide, not actual suicide but I did it because I don’t want my sister and him to separate, perhaps my method is cruel enough and makes them worried about me. The things is, he come at that night to save me, is that love for worrying about me?

19 December 2009, this is the last time I see him, see his face, see his beautiful smile and see my other family for the last time. My 2010 goal is to start a better life without him, no more him, I want to forget about him, totally forget about him, that’s my goal.

As for him, I thank you for giving such beautiful time with me, the joy and happiness that we spend together, I thank you for everything.

After all this days I try to forget him seems makes things growing harder than before. The needs to see him make me feel something that I shouldn’t and foremost forbidden to feel, that is missing him and I may love him not as a lover or base on lust but I love him as a person that very important to me, like a family. Is this love to him is a family love? I don’t know what kind or how is the feeling of family loves, the only love I can feel is my mom love to me. Maybe the mother loves almost the same as family love, but family means a big, lots of member such brother and sister, auntie and uncle, grandpa and grandma, niece and other family member. All this years, the only love I can feel is the love of my mom and God to me. I love my creator and my mom, I thanks to them so much and God my creator, I love you the most. Even sometime you makes me feel sad or hate, I know it is a test and a way to make me grow stronger to survive in your world but please guide me? Please guide your servant to make his love more beautiful than before and greater than before. Do I need a love? Perhaps I need love because I need to feel my lose love since childhood, a love from a men, perhaps.

I know that my way of writing is not very systematic but this is my way to write is write anything that pop-us in my mind, the true of me. For me, using verbal to express your feelings is not as good as using words to explain what you feel. I don’t have any friend that I can rely on to express my feelings, I just don’t want to say something that make my friend disgust about me, hate me and ignore what I truly am. Using a mask of life seems fit to me, so that my face of life or should I say the face of true will make me a demon in front of human life will hide forever, perhaps. The only person that understands how I felt is the only person that I ask for help, that is God. As always, I may not a man of God but my faith to Him is huge enough to make the man of God itself envy my faith.

I wrote this essay actually want to express my feelings, my pain and my joy with him. He may not know this essay but someday I wish I can express my feelings towards him directly, not secretly like what I’m doing right now. I don’t have a clue what he felt towards me, maybe hate, annoying, disgusting, or perhaps, just a little chance that he might love me the way I love him, as always not a lust, but a love of a brother and family. I’m not very a good shape just like him, is that way he treat me like this? My appearance is not good enough for him? I try to change my looks so that the people around me like me more than the last time but as for him, it seems has no effect to him. Could that mean he truly dislike me and hates me? How can I make him like me like before? Am I crazy about him?

Am I lonely? I cannot answer that question properly but I sometime lonely and sometime not because God is always with me even when the time I hate and ignore Him, but He still love me and always taking care of me.

Lonely is my friend and my enemy, I grow up with lonely, I know what is lonely felt, I know the pain and suffering that lonely has cause to my life, no one should be friend with lonely, it will consume you to the real meanings of loneliness.

Today is Christmas day, not that I celebrate it but I help my mom to celebrate it. That night before Christmas, Christmas Eve, I ask him to come over my house but all he says is ‘Insha’Allah’ Just say that you don’t want to come and not using this word when the percentage of no is more than yes! I hate that person, but at the same time I love him. He was the first step brother to me, the first men that I love. The first women that I love are my mom, and the first men that I love are my brother, that’s him. My father, I don’t know him very well; I don’t feel love to him.

Maybe I push him too hard to get what I want, he is an Aquarian, and he doesn’t like to be push. I don’t think about the problem that he have and I so selfish, always thinking about myself, that is my weakness. Being selfish all the time, but I couldn’t help it, I was born to be selfish, my mom taking care of me, and perhaps being a single child this family makes me a selfish person? But that selfish person is true me and that selfishness is like a skill to me that my mom makes me like that.

This writing is more like a diary to me; it is how I express my feelings with writing. Am I crazy about him? Am I taking a wrong or good choice to meet him at the first place? Am I overreacting? Or it just my needs to be love by men. Every person in this world must know what is the feeling being love or love men because there have their father or grandpa or brother or uncle. As for me, everyone in my family hates me because something that I had done last time. Even so, my mom tell me something yesterday that my uncle never give me money or anything since I was born in this world and my mom said that his father is very unfair with her. I felt pity about her but as for me, I feel sorry more than my mother to me.

It’s like more than half of my soul always thinking about him, since that day, the day that I got his phone number I always remember him and miss him very much. I don’t care or don’t mind that he has a girlfriend or boyfriend; I just want to tell him that he is my beloved brother not by sex but by family. He may not know how my feelings to him, but I know something, I know how my feelings towards him. All this day, somehow I think that it was a waste of time to miss him, love him, or need him as if he got the same feelings with me. I guess he already have someone that he love and I happy for him. Am I happy for him that he has someone that very important then me? Yes of course, its make me feel happy that there is a person that taking care of my beloved brother, what a beautiful relationship that he has. But I hope that he had a girlfriend then a boyfriend and I afraid of his future that he will stick with so many trouble. Am I sound like a mother to him? Probably yes.

I try to forget about him but I can’t!

Day passed, still I miss him. I don’t know what is going on to me, is it the punishment that I deserve by doing terrible things last time? Or it is just a way of life that I must survive in order to survive the world? So many question to be answer, so many things that could not be explain, and so many life that we, human could not understand. The only one that understand is our creator, as for us, we are just His servant, just following His flow.

Maybe I should forget about him and the past, or should I really forget about him? Can it make my life feel better than the life before? Can I be happy by just forgetting all about him? I’m sound like a couple that does not know what to do. Many times I explain that in my eyes, he just a brother and a family to me, not more nor less. Maybe my love to him is more than just brother? As always, I cannot understand my feelings, what my feelings are trying to tell me, I don’t know, only He knows the answer.

I don’t know what is going on with him, he’s smoking. Why would such a beautiful man doing something that will take away the beautifulness of his face? I smoke last time but I smoke because I’m stress out, could it be he also stress out, but what would he stress? I think he has such a good life than my life, an Aquarius is not an antisocial like Cancer, and Aquarius has a good social skill than Cancer has. Besides, he has many advantage, his looks, his tenderness and his personality, what could you be stress if you have this all.

Yesterday morning, I went to his house early morning and he still asleep when I arrive there. He and his sister were only one at that house, his sister looks the same, well almost the same, her personality very similar with his personality, I wonder. At first, after he invite me into his house, he when to sleep again, ignoring me. I cannot blame him because I was to one who interrupting his sleep. After a while I online in his house, he came out and make me tea with no sugar, well this almost new year week have a sugar crisis, I myself only drink milk coffee and tea. Then he goes back to his room again. Thanks for the no sugar tea, then again, he comes out and we started to talk a bit. He always teasing me, touching my hair, but I just ignore his teasing because I afraid that he might think that I like his teasing and misunderstand me. Then again he going back to his room and we chat at Facebook, he suddenly opens a topic that for me is very odd, the gay topic. He ask me either I gay or not? I simply say of course I’m not gay, but what I didn’t say is that I’m a bi person. That’s make me think, why did he ask me that question? Perhaps, or just perhaps, something that shouldn’t be truth becomes so true. I have something weird happen when I didn’t sleep well or don’t sleep at all; I become someone that not very quick embarrassed and sensitive, I become someone that have confidence to walk around in public, my worries about my looks and other else seems to gone, maybe because of my hormone and who knows?

There a reason for why I did not put the date when I wrote this dairy or journal, and the reason is I don’t know the date! Just kidding, the truth is I don’t know why I didn’t put date, some reader maybe confuse on my writing style but it is the way how I express myself, inner me. Only few person in this world know the real me, yet they don’t know how I feel and what is my favorite things do to or want. I myself don’t know what I like, maybe RPG game or sex or woman? Speaking about a beautiful creature that God create to please the men, I don’t have any special woman, except my mom of course. I have been a couple of relationship with girl, but went it come to love with woman, I’m not good at it. I may good as a friend but as a boyfriend, I don’t know how to make my girlfriend happy. Now, because of my fault, I desperate need women to fill my empty heart.

God, I know you listening to me right now please God, please make me stop thinking about him. Send me a girl or someone that can make my mind doesn’t think about him anymore! I can’t take it, if this is your test, so please, grant me your blessing and your guidance so that I can overcome your test. Protect my mom, You are the most powerful God and the Only God that exist in this world, please protect my mom, even if I die, please help her to take it. As for me, God of all the reason of existent, help me and guide your faithful servant to a good future life, please make my future a good future, good then before and make the flow of my life to successful and happy. Help me in all situations, God.

Today, I did something, or should I say I say something to him that I regret it. Not totally regret it because I feel relief and it’s like a burden have taken away from me, telling the truth to him. I wonder it is a good thing to do or the right thing to say that I sound like I love him and need he badly? What would he think about me after that? He didn’t reply me after I send it; I wonder what is in his mind? He probably disgust to see me, like a dirty men that desperately need someone to company him. There is no chance that he would say the same thing that I say to him, not even close. I guess that is it, I need to forget about him and start to think about something that is important than him, like my study or my life or my problem. Perhaps, next year would be better for me, who knows I might have a girlfriend?

I think that this year is the last year that I should remember him in my entire life, the next year is the year without him and I think it is good for both of us. I will not disturb his life and he will not make me miss him and everything that is happening to me now. One of my determinations for next year is MY LIFE WILL BE BETTER WITHOUT HIM, MY LIFE WILL BE PERFECT WITHOUT HIM, before that happens, I need to let him know that this year is my last year to him.

When I was working as a waiter at the international hotel with him, I started to learn how to smoke and then when he saw that I was smoking with my friend, his facial expression was totally change. Is it meaning something? I didn’t realize it until now, perhaps he does love me at that time, and I didn’t notice it.

Before that happen, I still want to enjoy my life with him till the end of this year, I still want to miss him and hunger for his love, I still see him like a brother to me, I still want to have a family that cares about me, I still want him. And yet, after the end of this year, I will let him go just like he let me go. Maybe he tired with my drama queen behavior, that’s why he ignoring me. I will forget about him. I have 2 more days to remember him and last night I cry. Not that I cry for him, but I cry for myself, showing how pathetic and fool I am like him at the first place, sometimes I regret that I know him. There was a time that after the school, he asks me to wait him at the prefect room that was a good memory for me. I wish that scientist create a memory erase so that I can erase his happy memory in my head. Why would I remove this joyful time that I spend with him? Because the more I remember him, the more pain that I got from that memory.

I have decided that the last thing that I going to do am make him a cake, not a cake, but three cake just for him. The first cake is my special British Chocolate Cake. Freshly steam cake with coco powder, browning sugar, cream milk and sugar make this cake sweet as my memory to him. The second cake is the Book Layer Cake; this cake is traditionally make in Sarawak and one of the most good layer cake makers in the world. The mixture of Horlick powder and cream milk make the cake taste like a happy moment went you eat this cake. Most importantly is each layer of this cake reminds me the happy moment with him. The final cake is the Sweet and Sour Layer Cake Sarawak Style. Each of these layers covered with haw flacks, which make the cake sweet and sour. Instead of using flour, this cake using Osborne Crackers powder, showing the differences about our relationship. The sweet of this cake describe the sweetness of being love as a brother and the sourness showing that it is not easy being love or love with somebody that you not sure if that person loves you back. The final cake is the most favorite of mine; it’s describing my life with him. After I send that cake, I will and I must forget about him, totally forget about him, his family, his mom, my step brother and sister, my family and everything that have to do with him. I have such wonderful time with his family, and I grateful to God that show me this big and good family.

God of Most Mercifulness and Kindness, grand us your blessing and bestow it to this family that have been taking good care for me. Protect them Oh Your Great One from harm and give them a good flow of fate to them and God, I thank you again for having such beautiful time with this family, even it is not my family, but I see them as my true family.

The question that I ask him still no answer, perhaps it doesn’t need an answer, because for him, I’m nothing, that’s why he didn’t reply it, nothing! Oh well…

Today I receive a good news, I pass all my semester course, well except my Kokum, I didn’t aspect that to be past in my result. At first, I ask my friend to check for me, us then, I suddenly ask him to check for me. I didn’t aspect that he willingly to check for me, must I be happy that suddenly he replies my text message? Why didn’t he reply my most important message that I send to him? Maybe because he ignoring my love types message and my expression to him, or just maybe, is it hard for him to answer it? Who knows?

I have been thinking that I probably should print this letter and send to him with my cake this Saturday. My life with him just likes a drama, or maybe I’m the one who start this drama. He’s an Aquarian, he was a good friend and likes to be friend with anybody even a worst friend like me.

Am I a lonely guy? Am I truly lonely in this world? I not good as him when it come to friendship, I always ruin up or seek trouble in every friendship, like my relationship between my senior. I hate myself, I hate the part that I overconfidence with my friend, and I hate myself because I always ruin things.

Compare to him, I nothing. His cute and friendly, while I not cute and antisocial. He is in good physical shape while I’m not. He has the good life, very good life, and good family that always supporting him. As for me, what is family to me? My mom, that’s all my family that I got. She is the one who know what I am and what are my favorite things. I totally different from him, I wish I have a life that is same like him. Not that I don’t appreciate my life, I do happy that God give me this life, but I just don’t know how to get through this life. Am I envy to his life? Yes I am, probably he has a great and good girlfriend right now. As for me, I only have me, and of course God is my friend too. I pray to you O Great One, please grant me, your servant a good life and friend. Please make me closer to You, I don’t have real friend that I can share my story beside him and you. Even so, I have to leave him in the past, so that the past remain past and I have to go with my life, I can leave the past behind but as for him, I cannot leave him. Honestly, I don’t know what to do right now. I cannot decide should I forget him or not? If I want to forget him then why should I bake him a cake? Why should I keeping writing this shit about him?

If you know that writing this shit will make you remember him than you should stop writing it. You make yourself miserable, I don’t care about you, he didn’t even reply your love message, and he doesn’t a shit of you. He probably thinking something that has nothing to do with you, but you, always has something to do with him. This guy, make you crazy and yet you even don’t know if he likes you or not? He might like you but can you expect he like you as much as you like him? Do you want a brother that doesn’t care about you? Do you want a brother that always hurting you so badly? Does he treat you like a brother? It was your fault that you become like this, it was your fault that you remember his email and add him as a friend at the Facebook. It was you that want to remember him; it is not his fault that you become like this. It was you that want to remember the past about him; it was you that make your heart bleed more than ever. He might have a good night sleep because he doesn’t have any problem as you, he live in happy life that doesn’t care about your suffering. He doesn’t care a shit about your miserable life and probably he didn’t even think about you a day yet you always thinking about him every single day or perhaps hour or minute. He has a life, and you have your life, your both life are different, so please, stop thinking about him, it is useless. You spend your entire semester break just thinking about him, that’s stupid. Compare to joy that you get when you meet him then your pain because of him, you should be smart to stop this before it get worst, before you truly love him and make you dreaming about him every day. You should not visit his mom and get his phone number at the first place. You cause yourself trouble in the past and now you cause another same trouble, have ever learned your lesson last time you did this trouble? It’s all because of him; he will make you suffer with or without knowing it. Ask yourself this, did he know that you cry for him or that you cry because of him? Did he care about your silliness? He don’t feel anything that you feel, he just like a very famous man among the girl and you are one of his stupid friend that already know he is not your dream man and yet still dream and missing about him. You should stop this.

Perhaps, but I don’t know what to do. I know that I probably overreacting about him, but that is just who I am. I cannot change to way I am, it is impossible, I try to change once but it make even worst. Sorry, I will change if I got the intervention of the divine, perhaps I will change.

In my religion, the person that lust with both sex is consider a citizen of hell. That’s mean your ticket to hell is certain and there is no ticket to heaven available. It was the one of the most sins of all sin. I cannot change my bisexual personality but all I can do is put in the closet. Wearing a straight mask and hide the bi mask is the only thing that I can do. But God knew everything, that’s why He’s God.

This new year eve morning, as I write my expression, I realize that I’m the one who loser here, not him, I’m the one who find trouble in peaceful heaven, it was me who ruin everything and now, it is time to stop it. Stop this meaningless relationship is the only option that I have. There is no other option, what? Try to be friend with him and not having a brother relationship? Are you nuting? I can’t do that; I can’t expect him to be friend with me after I confess to him that I like him. He totally hate it when an ugly like me like him, he do like me if I am one of the handsome or cute boy in the world. My heart is nothing to him.

So this is it, after me finishing my cakes and publishes this writing on my blog, that is it, it’s time to let it go. For him, maybe he have not problem to forget me, but as for me, it’s hard for me, as if he is my other heart, throw away that heart or being left by that heart makes me sad and lonely. But then again, I must and I will.

After all this year, he was a good, nice and kind friend, and mostly he is good brother. Even he did not see me as his brother, but I think he’s a good brother. He was lucky have a good life, good education of religion, as for me, I even don’t know how to read our holy text properly.

Did I write these things to get pity from the reader? Perhaps yes, but I write these things only because I don’t have any person to talk to about my feelings. I don’t have any brother or sister to talk to about my feelings. I don’t have any friend that I can trust and confess about the truth me, beside him.

I wonder what will happen if I handed him this writing, crying? That’s what I expecting from him. Laughing at me and say you so stupid, freak and crazy gay men? Perhaps so, this journal is not fully my expression and feelings towards him, he somehow put a curse on me so that I will remember him and crazy about him every day and never let me go until death took place.

I remember that we use to walk around his hometown at the night and there is one time we walk beside the river and it was very romantic, yet I hope the same thing will happen in the future. There is so much thing that I want to do with him, like going shopping together, watching movie together or just walking and talking with him is good enough to me.

After I finishing my training, well not exactly finish, I ask him to pick me up at the airport, and he did pick me up but with someone and I don’t know how that is someone, perhaps it was his sugar daddy, and the reason why I didn’t finishing my training because I continue my study at the high school. As far as I remember, he also has been offered to continuing his study at the same school with me. I remember that the night before our school season open, he say that he too accept the offer, and I was very happy that I will going to school with my brother again. He agrees that we will meet each other in the morning, and I wait, I wait for him, still no sign of so called brother. I text him and ask him why didn’t he come? I didn’t reply me, I keeping texting him and still no reply. After that, I stop texting him. I don’t remember what happen next. I remember I got a huge fight with him and after that, I completely stop messaging him.

It is fun and weird to write this journal because it’s all about him and me. I spend my entire days remembering him and I write it each detail about what I feel that day. Each time, after I finish writing this journal, I began to read it once more, I realize that all this things, all this pain and suffering that I been through, it’s make my soul grow stronger and make me realize that it was a waste of time writing this shit. Final question, is it my fault?

A Perfect Friendship

was i wrong to judge people around me? Is it my mistake that they be like that? I keep questioning myself about my friend. I dont know what must I do to make things right again as thing was before. Should I buy them an expensive present or should I be they slave for the rest of their live? There is once I think I need them yet sometime not, sometime I thinking of them as my best friend yet sometime not and sometime I think they like me yet sometime not. Perhaps I wish something that nearly impossible to get, a perfect friendship. a perfect friendship with no negative feeling or speaking bad thing behind your back, friend that care you the most and will help you with everything. I guess that it was my fault then to find friend that never exist.

My Life

Perhaps tonight will be my night, and there’s also might be not being my night.

After my new best friend, give me a ride to the airport, just leave me alone, but actually not alone but I feel alone. This person is my friend but never been really close so as I took this circumstances as a chance for me to be closer to him, or best friend to him.

Did I say that he’s the top list of good looking guy in my university? Girls shyly asking his cell phone number, asking his email address so that she can add him as a friend in Facebook and also not to mention just girls but guys also adore him very much, such as me.

Good looking, almost cute, flawless face with no pimple scar or any pimple in his face, nice body shape, slim and slender and above all, a very good friend and partner. The first time I look at him, he’s looks similar to my best friend and his aura also the same but the same attitude, perhaps have the same strength and weakness. The first impression about him is bad in love, care in friendship. He was a good friend but he’s the reason for why I still remember about that person. I don’t know is it bad thing that I am close to him and me afraid that the same mistake will happen and history repeats itself.

That night, while I wait for my flight, I send a text message to him and tell him that I will be back tomorrow and don’t forget to pick me at the airport. Suddenly he calls me soon after he receives my text message. At first, he sound like girl, I was a fool enough to believe that voice is a girl voice, but that voices definitely sound like 100% women!!! There’s a new that makes me shock and that is his sister giving birth a girl.

Anyway, that early morning, after I arrive at Kuching, he told me that he’s late and I don’t mind it as long as he takes home as soon as possible. After that, he picks me up with his brother-in-law car and nothing special happen after that. I do wish that he praise and notice that I have lost weight, but he said nothing accept complaining about my face, acne problem. 2 days before my departure, I only have little bit acne problem in my face but during my departure day, it’s started become worst. At first, I afraid that he doesn’t like me went he sees my face but I don’t care it any more. I do want to make him hate me and I successfully did it, but then again, I could not live without him.

The things are, I don’t really understand about our relationship, we do quarrel a lot and then we act as if there is nothing happen. Is it good or bad relationship? I don’t know!!! Perhaps it is not a relationship at all. I remember the day that I went to Sabah, and as soon as I arrive at Sabah, that night my mom called me and say that someone call her and asking about me and say why I did I tell him about my leave, I do tell him, but I think he forgot about it. One thing that my hearth warm is my mom say he’s very emotional, when my mom say emotional that’s mean cry. He cries!!! Or perhaps he just feels sensitive about anything. That’s make me happy a lot, but after I send my journal about him, do he feel the same, did his love towards more grow? Or might be fall down or worst, disgusting. I don’t know.

There is so much question that I want to ask him and so much thing to say to him. I did say I fail my exam and get worst score, not worst until I kick out of the university, worst until I cannot receive my scholarship. I get 1.92 only and the minimum require for having my scholarship is 2.00. I guest this is it, my last day I study at university and also the last day I see my friend at Sabah. I don’t know what will my friend and family will react to my result and I have decided that I want to drop out of my university. At first, he says no comment but after I send another message say that are you mad at me he relies that he want me to improve my grade next semester and say that people will look down to me. I know it but perhaps he did worry about me. How can I continue my study if I don’t have money to pay it?

Speaking about money, I have an issue about money. My next plan is to find a job, again, and start to live with it. No more university for me and no more books for me, as long as I can find a job then I have my life. Even if the salary is low, I don’t care. I start from below and one day I can be a successful, I hope so. I don’t know how my life is going to be after I dropout university, I ruin my chance and my mother hope, perhaps university is not place for me nor Allah has plan for me, we never know it. Did I regret for what I choose? I think I did not regret because I’m glad that I chose that decision and I known many great and worst people and I like Sabah. I got the chance to explore that beautiful city and thankfully to Allah for everything He gave me. So much memory in just one year, I learn about how to communicate with other, sleep in same room, shares things with other and many thing. Thank you for giving me a chance to see that beautiful place and the sweet and sour memory, God.

Today I make chicken soup with Tempoyak and Daun Bandung for lunch and dinner, in my family we eat lunch and dinner together so that we can save our budget. Sitting here in the afternoon, hearing my mother complaining about anything and feel tiered. Perhaps there is a chance for me to continue my study and that is if I get my scholarship or loan this semester. I hope so.

Did I remember him this entire day? Now that I mention it, I do remember him. I try to ask him a favor but he say let me see first. I feel tired remember him all day and I feel my live is lifeless without him, I try to not feel that way but I can’t!!! As if stole my hearth and keep and torture it with loneliness and make my hearth feel lonely without his touch. Speaking about touching, I never get laid in almost 3 years. As for him, I haven’t finished what I started along ago. Well, sex is what I mean, we stop half way after I confess my feeling towards him, and I remember that, I hug him from his back and express my feeling to him. In respond, all he can do is silent with his eye open wide; I guess he was shock a moment and I don’t know what his feeling towards me is. I did ask him about his feeling towards me, he just say that I’m just another friend or brotherhood to him. Perhaps it’s not enough for me and I need more than just friend. He did help me in everything and I appreciate it.

I wish I have a brain tumor, I wish I have prostate cancer or some rare disease that will kill me in few months, in that way perhaps I can gain his love, I don’t care is it a sympathy love or anything kind of love, at least he feel something about me, I don’t care I have to starve to death for him, I don’t care about me, the only thing I care is my mother and then him. I wish I die in young age.

Come to think of it, this year I’m 21 year old and a perfect age to get married. Who wants to married me? I got zero chance to married, or perhaps I will never get married, never fuck a women or taste how pussy taste like. It is good for me to have no relationship with women or men, I think.

Regret, that’s what I learn in my entire life. All this time, I wish I can turn back the wheel of time and undo my mistake but sadly, only He can do it. Many mistake I’ve done long time ago, to myself, friend and also to my mom. I started to hate my life, the flow of life that God has set up for me, but all I can do is pray and hope that someday He will turn the flow of fate in my life in better way.

I done many mistake that at first I didn’t realize it until it get worst and uncontrollable. Then I don’t know what to do, just keep silent and just go on with my life? Or tell the truth or asking someone to help solve my problem, the thing is, I don’t have many friends that can help me. I don’t have any good friend that can ease my problem. Perhaps I do have good friend but it’s only ‘when we see, then we friend’ type of friend. Come to think of it, I really don’t have a real good friend, friendship that last for 2 or 3 years, still contacting each other.

I only have Him as a friend in my life; even He makes my life miserable but still He is my friend. He was anybody friend. He always is there when I need Him or not, He always be there when I did sinful things and He always be there at the time I need the most friend and accompany, He is Allah S.A.W.

I know I always done sinful things and furthermore, a very deadly sin of all sin, lust against same sex. But I cannot help it, I try to pray to Him and ask Him to change my oriental sexuality and I did try all kind of method that I know and learn but I can’t help it.

There is a time that I question Him, ‘Why you did this to me? Why do you make me like this? You know that this is bad things and very sinful things in your eyes but why me?’ I don’t want to think about this, I don’t want to interfere the divine power.

This memory, memory of his, make’s my hearth bled more and more, its hurt for me to think that someday, he soon will get married to someone. Of course he married before I get married, he has the charm, looks, and also he’s smoke, that’s make him more manly then his true self. Once he gets married, then my hearth will shattered, broke in to pieces, and I couldn’t not imagine his first night with his wife, or perhaps he already done it before the marriage, who knows.

As for me, if I continue like this, it would be hurt more than if I let go of him, make myself to forget about him, stop thinking about him. As soon as I coming back from Sabah, all I can do is thinking about him and I don’t know why. Perhaps he is the only friend that I can meet easily in my hometown.

Can I be like this forever? Missing him, knowingly that he cannot be mining, oh god, please help me forget about him, or make him forget about me. For him, forgetting me is very easy, for me, it’s hard as rock.

There is one person who inspires my life that is a famous singer, Susan Boyle. I like her voice and personal life very much. She is the only child in the family and took almost 30 years for her voice to be recognized throughout the world. For me, her life teach me many things, that is no matter what people think about you, you must thrust yourself and always look forward positively.

Sitting here, during my birthday eve, nobody seems to remember my birthday, perhaps there is nobody wants to bother or spent their credit just to say, happy birthday to me. The only person who will say that to me is, I. Perhaps my mom will say that but I need someone to remember my birthday, him? I don’t know if he’s remember my birthday or not, if he do remember it, it would be gratefully to me and getting birthday wish from him is the only give I need from him, beside money!!! I put little hope that he will do that, in this age, I should be in love with someone, having a date or live with joy and happy, not to worry about my future and so on, but for me, I’m the opposite. Turning 21 isn’t bad at all I think, sometime I don’t even remember my age!!! It’s like my soul still 19 or 18 years old, and it might be my mentality still 18 years old mentality.

Today is my 21 birthday and still, nothing special happen, accept my so call boyfriend and I together again, not in formal way but we text messaging each other last night. I don’t know what kind of relationship between me and my boyfriend, well, he does say that he love me but it’s only words and he afraid to call me or talk to me, even our relationship has on about 4 years!!! He is the one that comfort and giving good and reasonable advice beside my mother and he done a great job as a brother and perhaps lover. Not that we done sex before, just dirty text messaging, that’s all. Compare my boyfriend and him (that person), it better chose my boyfriend because he care about me very much, even I don’t know how is his look but when I need someone, he’s there for me, not all the time, but it’s help me a lot.

I did text messaging him this morning, early morning, just asking about the favor I ask him before, and he did reply and told me to call him. At first, I want to call him, but I was distracted by my favorite TV show and I totally forget about him, few minutes later, instead of me calling him, it was he calling me. But I didn’t answer the call and after that I call him back. He did wishing me happy birthday to me and I don’t know if I was happy or not, it’s just normal feelings and don’t have any special about it. Perhaps in my new age, my feelings toward him will slowly change and Allah has answered my prayer that I want to forget everything about him.

This journal or diary is not always about him, it’s about my life and I want to tell the reader about my life and also help me to realize the important things happen in my life, because sometime I forgot about the most important things in my life. Love, joyful memories, pain and suffering, the bitterness of life is all I have to remember. There is a say that who ever forget the history of life, then the wheel of time will make the history repeat itself to remind that history or memories should not be forgotten.

For me, being alone in this world is not a bad things because being alone allow me to focus more about life and make me think more deeply about what has been happen around me or the things that will happen to me in the future. Thinking a give from Allah that no other creature has it accept human and we should be grateful to Him for that. There is no limit of a person mind can think and the only limit is God, Allah.

As a Muslim person, the only things that we cannot think is Allah because He is too supreme to think of it and with that, I rest my case about thinking.

I always want to become a famous and good looking pastry chef but I still have a long way to go before I can reach that goal. Speaking about my goal, I don’t know precisely what my life goal is; I entered higher education just because I want to feel how life in university is. I don’t really care about what course I taking off but then, after feel the life of a student, a degree student, my feelings begin to change, bit by bit, I started to miss it, but unfortunately…

Confidence, I lack of it, I admit it. Every decision that I make, I will question it, ‘Will it work? Is it right decision? Can I get a good result if I do this compare to that?’ this type of question always pop up in my mind after or before I make any kind of decision or planning.

I feel weird today, maybe it because he couldn’t not do me a favor as he promise that day before, it is not for me actually, it was for my mom. I don’t know what I feel about him this day, mad or sad. I don’t know and the only thing that I know is perhaps the pain I felt today. I just feel… I don’t know what I feel today!!! This totally ruins my day and my mood.

Listening soft and soothing music makes my heart go warm and ease my mind. That is why I can write this journal, keeping me focus on one thing or sometimes more than one thing. Writing this journal makes me feel like I told my life story to someone and many people say that it is not healthy to keep your problem by yourself and you must share your problem with other people. That’s what I do right now.

Am I causing trouble to someone that loves me and taking care of me? Am I the reason why they keeping distance to me because of my personality?

Today might be a very special day for me; I say might be a special day. I bake cake for him, the whole day in his sister house with him, talking about my result and so on, should I continue my study or not, he gives me a very good advice and I myself haven’t thinking about that. He says that if I don’t get my scholarship, then I have to stop for one semester and will continue the next semester after I get enough money to pay my tuition.

The thing is I don’t know if I want to continue my study if I get that chance once more but sometime I think very opposite way. I pray that my scholarship will not suspended this semester because I really need that money and need to undo my mistake and remake my pride as a student. I wish that would happen.

Question, did I happy with him all day long today? I don’t have that answer because my hearth told me that I should forget about him, just forget about him as a lover or brother and remember him as a normal friend. But there is other else that makes me really happy, my friend in Facebook wishing me a happy birthday, not one or two but many!!! That makes me happy and realize that I wasn’t alone in the ship, well sometimes I do feel alone but I know because it was who I am, it’s like being alone is my best friend beside God and my mom.

When I think about my life at Sabah there and my friend there, I began to feel ashamed for what had I done to them? It’s my entire fault, I feel like I don’t deserve to life in His world but for Him, I deserve to life in this world.

I don’t know what the reason for my existent is; it’s like felling empty bottle with air in it.

Enough about my sad story, now, let see what had happen yesterday. Today I suppose to bake a cake to him at his house but once again it was my fault.

Start from this day, I will not write anymore about him, and this is the last day that I write about him, because I already promise to God that if I can play my favorite game again, I will stop remembering him and also stop messaging him anymore. It is time for me to stop remembering him once and for all.

Hearing ‘I’m already gone’ by Kelly Clarkson makes me feel like this song is for me by him. I know that it is time for him to say good bye from my life and also for me to say good bye forever. My last give for him is that layer cake I bake for him, I promise him that I will help him to bake one more cake, my favorite cake, British Chocolate Cake, the one that I love and like the most. But it is my weaknesses, keep promises. I cannot keep promises with my friend or my mom, but this day, the first thing that I will keep promise and I meant it, that I promise Allah I will not contact him at all for the rest of my life, even if I’m death or I desperate need someone to help me, I will not bother his life again, after all it will make him happy without me in his life… Good bye my good friend.

New Day for Me

This lonely night, makes me feel like I miss my friend and Sabah so much, I miss the night we play dota together, its make me really sad that I cannot feel that anymore, I want to cry and cry. I miss UMS…

I don’t know what is happen to me this night, I feel so empty, sad and more lonely than yesterday. I keeping remembering my past that I try to forget, sweet memory can become poison memory for me, remembering the past, remembering the joy with my friend, makes me sad because I know that I cannot feel that anymore and never will. God!!! I want to cry the whole night!!!

Dear Allah, my God, I pray that You grant this servant a good fate and also a good future, please God, give me one more chance to make things right, please God, I cannot take Your test anymore, I need my friend and I miss them, please God, I miss the night that we spent together play dota whole night, please let me continue my study at Sabah and please make sure that my scholarship doesn’t end and I need money support to go there. I beg you, oh my God, the Almighty and the Most Merciful, Allah s.a.w, grant my wish… Amen…

As I thought, I don’t get my scholarship, I fail. I fail my mother hope, I fail my friends hope, I fail my Muslim parents hope, and I’m totally failure. I want to cry and cry the whole night, and at some point, I feel like my life is useless now, I feel like I don’t have any reason to live in His world, as if He planning to end my life earlier. If so, I don’t mind, I don’t mind if I die in younger age, nobody cares about me, except my mother of course but it isn’t enough. Only one person that love you and that person is your mom, is that enough for you? Only that person love you and nobody else love you as much as your mother love you, no one love or care about you, do you want to live in that life? Could you survive only one love? I want to be love right now, but I don’t have any love just God and my mom. God, I don’t know what you are planning on me, I pray to Allah so that I get my scholarship, my last chance to make things right again but I bet He has other plan for me and I don’t know what is that plan. All I can do is pray and hope that that plan could be better for me. I think His plan for me is, perhaps suicide. I do want to end my miserable quickly before it becomes worst, I did pray to Allah to end my life but He keeping torture my life, I don’t care if I go to hell, I just want this inner torture to end. I’m tired to wake up each morning to thinking about my life and what would happen in the future, I’m tired lie to my mom about the true, all I want is to stop this torture, this life torture, I don’t care if I have to eat melted lava in hell or cut my tongue or anything in hell, as long as I can end my life torture in this world. Come to think of it, no matter how much I pray and done something good, I still go to hell because I’m bisexual and this will give me a permanent ticket to hell and never ever watch what heaven looks like. I try to change it, I pray to God and I even use women in my fantasy but no use. I can fool everybody and act like straight but I cannot fool Allah, my God, so it is no use to try. Even I will go to hell doesn’t mean that I act like demon, I still believe it was His will and my fate is in hell, not everyone in this world will go to heaven, if everybody go to heaven, what use that God create hell at the first place? After we were born in this world, our fate has been set up and there is two place to go after we death, either heaven or hell.

As for me, my fate is hell, my afterlife is hell and I willingly accept it, after all, He is God, He is the master of all things, and as for me I must obey it.

I don’t have anyone to share my feelings… It’s too lonely here… I don’t have any friend that can understand my feelings, I don’t have any true friend that will understand my feelings, and all I want right now is to die.

Second day of my lifeless life, feeling sorrow and unbearable pain in my heart, I still want to meet my friends; after all, I miss them so much. But sadly, my scholarship doesn’t in yet or maybe it will never in. I don’t know what to do in my life anymore, find a job? That will shock my mom and my others friend, come to think, I can find a job at Sabah and at the same time, study at there. The problem is, I have to keep my grade 2.00 above, and can I study and work at the same time without disturbing my concentration? I don’t know. Perhaps I can and also perhaps I can’t. Dear Allah, please show me Your guidance and Your mercy to me… Please give me one more last chance… If you want it to… Amen

Enough talk about my regrets about the past, after all pass is past and we cannot undo the past in the past but we can undo the past in the future. That is what I trying to do but somehow Allah has other plan for me and I don’t know what.

Sitting here, in my room full with old memories and stuff that remind me about my past, good and bad and it’s too bad, I don’t have anyone to share it, I have someone but that person has gone already. Now just leave me and my stuff, all alone.

Perhaps I did want some pity from the readers that read my journal or I did want love and caring feeling towards me from the reader but who knows. The reason for me writing this journal is because it is the way that I express myself. Some people get lucky and have truly friend and understand what they have been through and some people are unlucky, such as me, don’t even know if I have a true friend or not. A friend that can accept my weaknesses and strength and most of all, accept the true me.

That kind of friend is hard to get as if finding a needle in land full of salt, the more you try to find it, the more sour challenge that you will face. The only friend that I have is my mom, my cats and God, Allah.

I speak to my cats even they doesn’t understand what I say, but I my heart, I believe that they understand it but couldn’t say in human language. Last time, I have 4 cats but now I only have 3 cats. I love my cat as much as I love my mom, perhaps my cat is the only my true friend, literally. I rise with cat beside me in my entire childhood until now; I can’t stop loving and care so much about cat.

I might have a chance to continue my study; I can sell my laptop to earn some money right? But it was a big sacrifice for me because my laptop is my life and everything. Actually it was someone who advice me to sell my laptop but at first I say it is impossible to say my laptop but then when I see how desperate I need to go back, I realize I must do something. Perhaps I will sell my laptop if my scholarship doesn’t come in this week, then I must do what I must do.

I’ve been thinking that I have to sell my laptop, with the money that I got, I might have the chance to survive at Sabah even I didn’t have any scholarship, I must undone what I did wrong in the past. It is like redemption to me thou, I know it was hard to live without a laptop but I must done that must be done. Perhaps it is good to me that I no longer have laptop, I can study more and social more with my friend.

Many reason for why I should and shouldn’t continue my study. The reason for why I should continue my study is I need to get a degree and after that I will get a job and started to live like a normal degree man live but most of all, it was my mother hope that I success in live. The second reason is why I should continue my study is because I don’t want to put a bad reputation to me and to my mother, I don’t care if somebody say bad thing to me but not to my mom, I love my mom and if someone say a bad thing about her, that person will know what is the meaning about son. Lack of financial support is the main reason why I shouldn’t continue my study, but it is not lack but no financial support. I have figure out how to get money while I studying, with working a part time job as a waiter at two different places. The salary quite good and expensive but I have to sacrifice my time with working and less studying. Last time, I spend more time playing game than studying but now, as if the situation remain unchanged.

All I hope is that this is the right choice in my entire life, I may have pick a bad choice but I pray to Allah and hoping that this is the right path for me to become a successful men. I miss my friend, even if they didn’t miss me like I miss them but still, they are my friend thou. My entire friend in my hometown where no way to be found just one. But he is no longer my friend.

In my entire life, I never breakup a friendship before, but people always breaking up friendship with me and I know it was my fault, but why is people very hard to accept a sincere apology, I try to be good to them but they sees me like a devil with dark cold heart. I was never wanted to fight with them at the first place, it is just my weakness, the way I communicate with people around me seems very rude in their eye but I was never mean any harm. Sometime is it me that people say very selfish person and never thinking about other people? Or perhaps it was the people around me being like that.

The way that I grow up makes me different thinker than other people that grow up normally. For me, cat is my childhood friend until now, is that normal to call your pets a friend? Have anybody care a cat just much that I care about them? Perhaps there is a person that feel the same what I feel, to grow all alone and become weirdo, not totally weirdo but weirdo enough to make people think I’m a weirdo.

Is it enough for me to pay my tuition just working as a waiter? Can I find another job that promises a big salary in very short period? Come to think of it, I can work as a prostitute but who wants to hire me? At least I must get rid my pimple and scar at my face and losing weight more until I become slim enough so that I can fit in size 30 or 34 something like that.

Much reader will confuse about my goal of life, sometimes I feel like I just want to die and sometime I feel like I want to live and have a happy life as if I have life in it. But the true is I don’t know what happen to me, perhaps I have bipolar or something. I read about bipolar and the entire symptom of being a bipolar, I have it.

I might have bipolar or anything mental disorder, you name it, but it doesn’t make any different, I still me. I learn very important things during the day that I felt discord and lost, I must go on and enjoy the life that Allah give me, it is not the end of the world yet and I still have many things to enjoy before I die. Perhaps some of it I might not enjoy but at least some of it.

This week actually already started the lecture but I still at my hometown, I don’t know if I can come late at my dorm registration or not, I try to ask my friend first.

Something that must happen...

Sometime, life that we see in our naked eye seems so unreal and its hard to accept it because it so unacceptable. that because of our nature as a human being make us feel like that.

There is nothing wrong with that, we can be a nature human being but most of successful individual around the world step beyond of being a nature human or just an ordinary human being. thats is what i learn today...

True me...

Can I hide my feelings? Can I fool everybody with what I am?

Is anybody noticed my TRUE side of me?

Can somebody help me?

Is it wrong for me to be like this, the one who I like to be?

I can't change it, even I try it, but what goes around, comes around, again...

I know it is bad for me to be myself, but the best way to treat yourself is by stay the way you like it

But....

Many people does not know my well enough,

Only my 4 best friend knowns me well,

But...

I have many friend that I feel sorry for them,

Because I lie to them all the time, my roommate and even to my best friend....

I cannot lie anymore...

I just wish I can tell everybody about the true me...

But...

"Each action will cause a price"

PURE!!!

During my LK in Tuaran Beach Resort

Is there any true friend out there?

I love to have many friend,

Many friend makes you feel not alone in the ship of life,

Once my mom tell me that,

"Not all friend are good friend,"

Sometimes I dont believe it but till that things happen to me,

That things make me think about my mom advice and warning,

Then as I told to myself

Is there any TRUE friend out there?

The Mystery

There are many things that happen so quickly that you even couldn’t not take a breath from it, such as your partner breaking-up with you, your most favorite pet die because of worm infection or someone willingly give his or her body to you. Whether it was bad or good, we still in a shock at that moment, the moment we can’t say a word about it, the moment of surprise.

Yes, surprise, very deep kind of words and full with unknown mystery that always keep us wondering why it must become a surprise. Mystery, a word that full with paradox of everything in this world, explain the unexplained in very simple yet strong way, such as what happen to us after we die.

This remain mystery for those who study the essence of life and death, for the believer, there are 2 kind of place that awaits us, heaven and hell. For the unbeliever, there is no life or anything after our body stops functioning, we just die like a death tree and rotting in ground.

The question is, which one is the true statement about what happen after we die? There has been some argue about this topic, yet we still don’t know which one is true, only this that will happen after we die? What about other religion that said we will be reincarnate as a different living things depend on the merit and sin that we get during our hearth still pumping our blood? There are many kind of believe about what will happen then, some say we will turn into star that shine the darkness of night and some culture believe that our soul will combine with the universe.

Soul, another topic in mystery chapter, so what is actually soul then? As many people believe that soul in an ethereal entity that we cannot see in naked eye or able to touch them or be touch by them. The main question is, is it exist?

Things happen to me today makes me think twice what is actually God plan for me, as always, we cannot think what God think. Instead we can just follow the Flow of God will, we as His servant cannot do anything or deny His will, as if we are His puppet. He controls and makes everything happen in our life, such as a simply things like you watch at the window and you saw a butterfly fly through your window or when you drive your car, a song that you like the most being play at the radio, this short of things is His will.

This is His will for me to write this essay, this is how I express my idea about the divine power, God. All day I have thinking about His action, His will, and His mind, but as His puppet, I can only manage to get a little bit of it. Everything in this world, He’s in charge, one God and thousand people, but how can only one boss control thousands or trillions people every second? Even in the biggest company in this world have many CEOs or bosses. That’s why we call Him, the God. One power that control life and death, which control the wind and the storm, without Him, we nothing, as for that, we cannot deny His existent.

Not all His will is good for us, He also control the bad things that happen in this world. It is His will that bad things happen such as murderer, suicide, and much more. Why am I say that He control it? It is His will! That’s why He is a God! It was His will that father rape his own daughter, it is His will that many people starve to death, and it is His will to control the bad things, very bad things. It’s not that all the bad things happen in the world we blame it on God, if there is no bad things, there would be no life! He wants to create a beautiful world with variety of people on it, including the bad and good people. It’s not His fault that bad things happen to us, it is His will and it is our destiny for what have become to us.

Why? Why would God make a bad or terrible life for His servant? Why would God destroy His own creation, His beautiful creation such as the tsunami tragedy? There’s a reason or many reason! In my opinion, it is a test. Yes, a test for all of us. For tsunami instead, for me the reason for the extremely disaster happen is to teach us the living one how important life is, after the catastrophe, many lesson we learn, not just for the tsunami survivor but to all of us that very fortunate that this catastrophe not happen to us. Not just many sacred texts God teach us how to life in His world but His action to us will teach us a lesson that we will remember till death. Question yourself, what is actually happening to me? Why God give me a lot of trouble? Why this happen to me?! Why God makes my life terrible? For you that live in easy life, question yourself why God is makes your life easy and full with luxury? Seriously, ask yourself no matter who you are.

God is not evil and cruel to us, He also gives us something that is very special and only we, human have it, choices. We human have variety of the way life, it is the matter of which the way of life that we has choose, God only make that choices came true. It’s true that God control our life, but He gives us something that will determine our future life, that is we are free to choose the life that we want. If we choose the bad and negative way of life, then God will give you that, if you choose to have a happy life, then He will give you happy life. :)