I am Sick

Can I be saved from this life, the life that I chose from the beginning? Why must I be saved if this is the life that I want and I comfortable with? Why is it hard for me to change the things that must be change? Is it true that there is a thing that we cannot change, absolutely cannot be change? Why I always fail after I try to change? No matter how I did, I end up with failure. Is it good for me to just stop trying and just accept this life? How can I sustain the way of life that I had right now? I don’t know why or what should I do right now. Perhaps I was too afraid of taking wrong decision just like what I did right now. I realize that I was too afraid of making a decision to myself. Or I thinking too much about the decision what I should do and in the end, I just wait there as if wanted someone else to make the decision for me.
“It’s is my mistake…” Simply words yet I cannot understand what exactly it’s meaning. Actually I didn’t feel any guilt after what I done to my friend and my family, perhaps I use to it or maybe I thinking too much until I didn’t realize it at all. All my life keep questioning about whom I am or what must I do, as if I running from my true self or my mistake that I hardly admit it. My mind is too complex compare to a normal guy, thinking too much to something that should not be thinking that much. But still, I like this way, this complicated way of thinking. It may damage my soul and eating my inner self, but I comfortable to it. This is who I am and what I am…
Chill and wet, that is all happen today, the weather I mean. I love rainy day, it give me some comfort after all this things happen. Today I suppose to go work part-time at Le Meridian Hotel but as always, I got lazy to go, not that I don’t want to, it just I afraid to go alone and many more. I do want to work but when I think twice, this will happen, I don’t want to go. All I can say is it’s too late to go then don’t go.
Am I sick? Am sick to have this kind of mind, a very complicated mind and very detailed mind?