Dear As

Dear As

Salam As, I know its been along time since we last speaking or sms-ing. Well after I become real sick, I decide that I want to be alone for awhile and try to make my sense back together, thats why my facebook has been deactivated. I dont know if you read this email or not, but at least I try right? :] Well, congrats to your first convocation :] Anyway, I'm sorry that I cant go and see all my friends convocation time, well as you know, once you get sick, its hard to walk and even breath or eat right now, but I manage to do it just fine. So hows going with your dotA groups? I wish them all healthy and very well blessed.

First of all, I need to apologize for all terrible things that I had done to you and your friends, I know that Im suck in friendship but at least I can get some sweet from it, at least I can taste how to be love (friendship love) The things that I do in the past, I know Im a selfish type of guys but you have to forgive me because I firstly dont know how to act normal or be normal in friendship. I was a loner since I was little and all I know sex is how to make friend and lust is how we express our friendship love, I have been sexually abuse with many guys including women but I manage to survive all this kind of hardship and look at me right now...

Anyway, say Salam to all your friends and including Zam dota okay, he is more like my brother to me, not base on lust but a true brother, one day I pray to Allah that He send me a good brother that will guide me and He did answer my prayer. About Mazje, he is nice and very fun loving kind of friends. Even I did mess up in the past with him but he still want to be friend with me. He is the only Sarawakian friend that i can freely talk sarawak. In hard time, he was there, helping me out, even just a little and simple help, I really apriciate it. About Im, I just want to clear all the things that he might misunderstood me. The post on my fb is not for you guys but its for Jaka and his team, you see on that day, they didnt play well and they blame me because Im not Qayum. That is why I so mad at them and post on fb, you know right if we play with the mindset that we will lose, than you will lose just like we play with sa-Meon. I hope this will clear our misunderstood. About man, handsome and great friend, he should be work on how to deal his love problem. Adi and Wan, great and very kind friends. Sa-Meon, a pro dota with good leadership ability and also a great friend. Jai-ruddin, I dont really know why he stop talking to me suddenly and act like he dont know me or dont want to be friend with me anymore, well whatever it is, its still my fault right? Its all my fault anyway, that we become like this and Im sorry I cannot help to improve to become just a good and normal friend.

Well I guess that is it right? I hope you can talk to them about this, even just a simple talk and reminder about me, I would be happy and please, dont forget that you had once be friend with me, because for me, you all are my best friend i ever had in my life, even its just for a year or just a simple friends, its mean a lot to me. I hope you guys would forgive my sins to you all. Be a good person as, and always remember Him, because you come from Him, and you shall end with Him. Salam

Your friend
Christ@Syah

Very sick....

Very sick now... pain to breath and hard to eat.. i think this is what i deserve. but its okay now, all things will come to end eventually. :) I know its hard for my friends and family but i deserve it. Its good that I can end this pain eventually because the pain is unbearable. My dreams for having a family and raise my own child seems to be just a dream after all but alas, I have spend many happy time with my friends and family. I know I should go to my friends convo but everything changes. Now I can barely eat and even speak because the cell cancer now targeting my vocal box.... Doctor said it is best for me to just sit at my home and spend some time with my mom... I will miss my friends a lot, but still all I can do for them is pray that Allah guide them to the right path of life, because my path is not so good.
Do I have regret in my life? Many, but things will change after Im gone after all, well at least that is what i think right now. But who will miss me or remember me when im gone? Only my best friends Zam, know how my condition are... He is a great friend, and he more like a big brother to me... Well, at least I have a friend to remember my death right?
Doc said if im lucky, i still can see the year 2012 but if im not, well, you know what will happen right? After all the medic and stuff, still cannot remove all cancer cell.... Looks like my pray has been heard... :)

I think I know why...

I think I know why Allah let me fall in love with him and have a very serious relationship. He want to be like this, to hate cute or handsome guy and never fall in love ever again, He did it alright. After I broke up with him, I swore that I will never open my other hotmail account except for this hotmail account and also I swear that I will never gonna see any cute or handsome men ever again and most of all, I never fall in love ever again. After couple of days, I still hate to see handsome or cute men even when I was in town, I feel hatred towards men right now, maybe this is what He want me to feel, to hate a cute and handsome men. For me, if I hate something, I will hate it forever just like long beans, I still hate to eat long beans. Im sleepy right now, its already morning now...

I cry

I cry last night while listen to Adele music, Someone Like You and glee version of it. I couldnt hold my feelings towards him and honestly I still love him, very deeply. I think this is my payback for what I did to many people that I know by promoting my phone number at local magazine. Maybe someone that I play and dump really love me as much as I do.. Its hard but I think with the help of Allah, I will regain my sense back. I have many important things to focus right now example my job. I send him email last night, telling him how much I still love him but the sad thing is, he already got a men, that men, do anything for him from inviting him at the airport till love him. Now I know who can love hurt so much and it still hurt right now. If someone come to me and give a lecture about my relationship with men, he/she might say firstly, Allah forbid you to have a male-male bonding, secondly you stupid enough to trust that online dating and lastly it is the law of karma, Allah punish me for what I did to many men and women out there. From now, I will never fall in love that stupid ever again, with Allah as my witness and protector, He will guide me to the right path of life, that at least I can do to make me forget about him and this unhealthy relationship. I swear in Allah names, I will never open my email that link me to him ever again. "Dear Allah, the most Merciful and most Forgiving, please help me to overcome this hardship with patient and endurance, with help from You and there is no impossible things from You, please make me forget about him and Alep, please banish their memory inside my head and also please make my life better. Amin Ya RabbiAlamin"

Already Gone

Already Gone, by Kelly Clarkson. A song that I found very meaningful right now. Especially to the person who I thought I can love forever. He meet someone right now, deep in my heart it still hurt but after I learn to let it go, it just let it go. Let it go, for the first time in my life, i let someone go, someone that i love so much to go to someone that is better than me. It is a bittersweet ending but I found that it was very meaningful lesson to me, to let go. Perhaps I could do the same thing to him, the one that at Kuching right now. To let him go, just let him go. As the song sung, "I love you so I love you enough to let you go" Now I have two men in my life that I already let them go. One from Kuching and one from South Africa.

I want a steady job

I wish have an offer to work at government sector, with steady income and really comfortable job. Why? First of all, the income, its must be rm1000 and above, already plus anything. I hope and pray to Allah that He will grant me a job at government sector, maybe as a librarian or anything. At least i dont want to be useless around here right? About my friend, I dont really care about them anymore, but I wish and pray the best for them. About my love? I dont need anymore shitty love, just once hurt is enough to realize that Allah taking care of me.

Its hurt

Its hurt, really hurt me... I should know better that this relationship is very stupid relationship and make me easily get hurt. I cry for the first time because someone that i love so much just dump me just like that. Now, i really hate him, very much hate him. But I wish his the best while at Malaysia.