My Life

Perhaps tonight will be my night, and there’s also might be not being my night.

After my new best friend, give me a ride to the airport, just leave me alone, but actually not alone but I feel alone. This person is my friend but never been really close so as I took this circumstances as a chance for me to be closer to him, or best friend to him.

Did I say that he’s the top list of good looking guy in my university? Girls shyly asking his cell phone number, asking his email address so that she can add him as a friend in Facebook and also not to mention just girls but guys also adore him very much, such as me.

Good looking, almost cute, flawless face with no pimple scar or any pimple in his face, nice body shape, slim and slender and above all, a very good friend and partner. The first time I look at him, he’s looks similar to my best friend and his aura also the same but the same attitude, perhaps have the same strength and weakness. The first impression about him is bad in love, care in friendship. He was a good friend but he’s the reason for why I still remember about that person. I don’t know is it bad thing that I am close to him and me afraid that the same mistake will happen and history repeats itself.

That night, while I wait for my flight, I send a text message to him and tell him that I will be back tomorrow and don’t forget to pick me at the airport. Suddenly he calls me soon after he receives my text message. At first, he sound like girl, I was a fool enough to believe that voice is a girl voice, but that voices definitely sound like 100% women!!! There’s a new that makes me shock and that is his sister giving birth a girl.

Anyway, that early morning, after I arrive at Kuching, he told me that he’s late and I don’t mind it as long as he takes home as soon as possible. After that, he picks me up with his brother-in-law car and nothing special happen after that. I do wish that he praise and notice that I have lost weight, but he said nothing accept complaining about my face, acne problem. 2 days before my departure, I only have little bit acne problem in my face but during my departure day, it’s started become worst. At first, I afraid that he doesn’t like me went he sees my face but I don’t care it any more. I do want to make him hate me and I successfully did it, but then again, I could not live without him.

The things are, I don’t really understand about our relationship, we do quarrel a lot and then we act as if there is nothing happen. Is it good or bad relationship? I don’t know!!! Perhaps it is not a relationship at all. I remember the day that I went to Sabah, and as soon as I arrive at Sabah, that night my mom called me and say that someone call her and asking about me and say why I did I tell him about my leave, I do tell him, but I think he forgot about it. One thing that my hearth warm is my mom say he’s very emotional, when my mom say emotional that’s mean cry. He cries!!! Or perhaps he just feels sensitive about anything. That’s make me happy a lot, but after I send my journal about him, do he feel the same, did his love towards more grow? Or might be fall down or worst, disgusting. I don’t know.

There is so much question that I want to ask him and so much thing to say to him. I did say I fail my exam and get worst score, not worst until I kick out of the university, worst until I cannot receive my scholarship. I get 1.92 only and the minimum require for having my scholarship is 2.00. I guest this is it, my last day I study at university and also the last day I see my friend at Sabah. I don’t know what will my friend and family will react to my result and I have decided that I want to drop out of my university. At first, he says no comment but after I send another message say that are you mad at me he relies that he want me to improve my grade next semester and say that people will look down to me. I know it but perhaps he did worry about me. How can I continue my study if I don’t have money to pay it?

Speaking about money, I have an issue about money. My next plan is to find a job, again, and start to live with it. No more university for me and no more books for me, as long as I can find a job then I have my life. Even if the salary is low, I don’t care. I start from below and one day I can be a successful, I hope so. I don’t know how my life is going to be after I dropout university, I ruin my chance and my mother hope, perhaps university is not place for me nor Allah has plan for me, we never know it. Did I regret for what I choose? I think I did not regret because I’m glad that I chose that decision and I known many great and worst people and I like Sabah. I got the chance to explore that beautiful city and thankfully to Allah for everything He gave me. So much memory in just one year, I learn about how to communicate with other, sleep in same room, shares things with other and many thing. Thank you for giving me a chance to see that beautiful place and the sweet and sour memory, God.

Today I make chicken soup with Tempoyak and Daun Bandung for lunch and dinner, in my family we eat lunch and dinner together so that we can save our budget. Sitting here in the afternoon, hearing my mother complaining about anything and feel tiered. Perhaps there is a chance for me to continue my study and that is if I get my scholarship or loan this semester. I hope so.

Did I remember him this entire day? Now that I mention it, I do remember him. I try to ask him a favor but he say let me see first. I feel tired remember him all day and I feel my live is lifeless without him, I try to not feel that way but I can’t!!! As if stole my hearth and keep and torture it with loneliness and make my hearth feel lonely without his touch. Speaking about touching, I never get laid in almost 3 years. As for him, I haven’t finished what I started along ago. Well, sex is what I mean, we stop half way after I confess my feeling towards him, and I remember that, I hug him from his back and express my feeling to him. In respond, all he can do is silent with his eye open wide; I guess he was shock a moment and I don’t know what his feeling towards me is. I did ask him about his feeling towards me, he just say that I’m just another friend or brotherhood to him. Perhaps it’s not enough for me and I need more than just friend. He did help me in everything and I appreciate it.

I wish I have a brain tumor, I wish I have prostate cancer or some rare disease that will kill me in few months, in that way perhaps I can gain his love, I don’t care is it a sympathy love or anything kind of love, at least he feel something about me, I don’t care I have to starve to death for him, I don’t care about me, the only thing I care is my mother and then him. I wish I die in young age.

Come to think of it, this year I’m 21 year old and a perfect age to get married. Who wants to married me? I got zero chance to married, or perhaps I will never get married, never fuck a women or taste how pussy taste like. It is good for me to have no relationship with women or men, I think.

Regret, that’s what I learn in my entire life. All this time, I wish I can turn back the wheel of time and undo my mistake but sadly, only He can do it. Many mistake I’ve done long time ago, to myself, friend and also to my mom. I started to hate my life, the flow of life that God has set up for me, but all I can do is pray and hope that someday He will turn the flow of fate in my life in better way.

I done many mistake that at first I didn’t realize it until it get worst and uncontrollable. Then I don’t know what to do, just keep silent and just go on with my life? Or tell the truth or asking someone to help solve my problem, the thing is, I don’t have many friends that can help me. I don’t have any good friend that can ease my problem. Perhaps I do have good friend but it’s only ‘when we see, then we friend’ type of friend. Come to think of it, I really don’t have a real good friend, friendship that last for 2 or 3 years, still contacting each other.

I only have Him as a friend in my life; even He makes my life miserable but still He is my friend. He was anybody friend. He always is there when I need Him or not, He always be there when I did sinful things and He always be there at the time I need the most friend and accompany, He is Allah S.A.W.

I know I always done sinful things and furthermore, a very deadly sin of all sin, lust against same sex. But I cannot help it, I try to pray to Him and ask Him to change my oriental sexuality and I did try all kind of method that I know and learn but I can’t help it.

There is a time that I question Him, ‘Why you did this to me? Why do you make me like this? You know that this is bad things and very sinful things in your eyes but why me?’ I don’t want to think about this, I don’t want to interfere the divine power.

This memory, memory of his, make’s my hearth bled more and more, its hurt for me to think that someday, he soon will get married to someone. Of course he married before I get married, he has the charm, looks, and also he’s smoke, that’s make him more manly then his true self. Once he gets married, then my hearth will shattered, broke in to pieces, and I couldn’t not imagine his first night with his wife, or perhaps he already done it before the marriage, who knows.

As for me, if I continue like this, it would be hurt more than if I let go of him, make myself to forget about him, stop thinking about him. As soon as I coming back from Sabah, all I can do is thinking about him and I don’t know why. Perhaps he is the only friend that I can meet easily in my hometown.

Can I be like this forever? Missing him, knowingly that he cannot be mining, oh god, please help me forget about him, or make him forget about me. For him, forgetting me is very easy, for me, it’s hard as rock.

There is one person who inspires my life that is a famous singer, Susan Boyle. I like her voice and personal life very much. She is the only child in the family and took almost 30 years for her voice to be recognized throughout the world. For me, her life teach me many things, that is no matter what people think about you, you must thrust yourself and always look forward positively.

Sitting here, during my birthday eve, nobody seems to remember my birthday, perhaps there is nobody wants to bother or spent their credit just to say, happy birthday to me. The only person who will say that to me is, I. Perhaps my mom will say that but I need someone to remember my birthday, him? I don’t know if he’s remember my birthday or not, if he do remember it, it would be gratefully to me and getting birthday wish from him is the only give I need from him, beside money!!! I put little hope that he will do that, in this age, I should be in love with someone, having a date or live with joy and happy, not to worry about my future and so on, but for me, I’m the opposite. Turning 21 isn’t bad at all I think, sometime I don’t even remember my age!!! It’s like my soul still 19 or 18 years old, and it might be my mentality still 18 years old mentality.

Today is my 21 birthday and still, nothing special happen, accept my so call boyfriend and I together again, not in formal way but we text messaging each other last night. I don’t know what kind of relationship between me and my boyfriend, well, he does say that he love me but it’s only words and he afraid to call me or talk to me, even our relationship has on about 4 years!!! He is the one that comfort and giving good and reasonable advice beside my mother and he done a great job as a brother and perhaps lover. Not that we done sex before, just dirty text messaging, that’s all. Compare my boyfriend and him (that person), it better chose my boyfriend because he care about me very much, even I don’t know how is his look but when I need someone, he’s there for me, not all the time, but it’s help me a lot.

I did text messaging him this morning, early morning, just asking about the favor I ask him before, and he did reply and told me to call him. At first, I want to call him, but I was distracted by my favorite TV show and I totally forget about him, few minutes later, instead of me calling him, it was he calling me. But I didn’t answer the call and after that I call him back. He did wishing me happy birthday to me and I don’t know if I was happy or not, it’s just normal feelings and don’t have any special about it. Perhaps in my new age, my feelings toward him will slowly change and Allah has answered my prayer that I want to forget everything about him.

This journal or diary is not always about him, it’s about my life and I want to tell the reader about my life and also help me to realize the important things happen in my life, because sometime I forgot about the most important things in my life. Love, joyful memories, pain and suffering, the bitterness of life is all I have to remember. There is a say that who ever forget the history of life, then the wheel of time will make the history repeat itself to remind that history or memories should not be forgotten.

For me, being alone in this world is not a bad things because being alone allow me to focus more about life and make me think more deeply about what has been happen around me or the things that will happen to me in the future. Thinking a give from Allah that no other creature has it accept human and we should be grateful to Him for that. There is no limit of a person mind can think and the only limit is God, Allah.

As a Muslim person, the only things that we cannot think is Allah because He is too supreme to think of it and with that, I rest my case about thinking.

I always want to become a famous and good looking pastry chef but I still have a long way to go before I can reach that goal. Speaking about my goal, I don’t know precisely what my life goal is; I entered higher education just because I want to feel how life in university is. I don’t really care about what course I taking off but then, after feel the life of a student, a degree student, my feelings begin to change, bit by bit, I started to miss it, but unfortunately…

Confidence, I lack of it, I admit it. Every decision that I make, I will question it, ‘Will it work? Is it right decision? Can I get a good result if I do this compare to that?’ this type of question always pop up in my mind after or before I make any kind of decision or planning.

I feel weird today, maybe it because he couldn’t not do me a favor as he promise that day before, it is not for me actually, it was for my mom. I don’t know what I feel about him this day, mad or sad. I don’t know and the only thing that I know is perhaps the pain I felt today. I just feel… I don’t know what I feel today!!! This totally ruins my day and my mood.

Listening soft and soothing music makes my heart go warm and ease my mind. That is why I can write this journal, keeping me focus on one thing or sometimes more than one thing. Writing this journal makes me feel like I told my life story to someone and many people say that it is not healthy to keep your problem by yourself and you must share your problem with other people. That’s what I do right now.

Am I causing trouble to someone that loves me and taking care of me? Am I the reason why they keeping distance to me because of my personality?

Today might be a very special day for me; I say might be a special day. I bake cake for him, the whole day in his sister house with him, talking about my result and so on, should I continue my study or not, he gives me a very good advice and I myself haven’t thinking about that. He says that if I don’t get my scholarship, then I have to stop for one semester and will continue the next semester after I get enough money to pay my tuition.

The thing is I don’t know if I want to continue my study if I get that chance once more but sometime I think very opposite way. I pray that my scholarship will not suspended this semester because I really need that money and need to undo my mistake and remake my pride as a student. I wish that would happen.

Question, did I happy with him all day long today? I don’t have that answer because my hearth told me that I should forget about him, just forget about him as a lover or brother and remember him as a normal friend. But there is other else that makes me really happy, my friend in Facebook wishing me a happy birthday, not one or two but many!!! That makes me happy and realize that I wasn’t alone in the ship, well sometimes I do feel alone but I know because it was who I am, it’s like being alone is my best friend beside God and my mom.

When I think about my life at Sabah there and my friend there, I began to feel ashamed for what had I done to them? It’s my entire fault, I feel like I don’t deserve to life in His world but for Him, I deserve to life in this world.

I don’t know what the reason for my existent is; it’s like felling empty bottle with air in it.

Enough about my sad story, now, let see what had happen yesterday. Today I suppose to bake a cake to him at his house but once again it was my fault.

Start from this day, I will not write anymore about him, and this is the last day that I write about him, because I already promise to God that if I can play my favorite game again, I will stop remembering him and also stop messaging him anymore. It is time for me to stop remembering him once and for all.

Hearing ‘I’m already gone’ by Kelly Clarkson makes me feel like this song is for me by him. I know that it is time for him to say good bye from my life and also for me to say good bye forever. My last give for him is that layer cake I bake for him, I promise him that I will help him to bake one more cake, my favorite cake, British Chocolate Cake, the one that I love and like the most. But it is my weaknesses, keep promises. I cannot keep promises with my friend or my mom, but this day, the first thing that I will keep promise and I meant it, that I promise Allah I will not contact him at all for the rest of my life, even if I’m death or I desperate need someone to help me, I will not bother his life again, after all it will make him happy without me in his life… Good bye my good friend.

New Day for Me

This lonely night, makes me feel like I miss my friend and Sabah so much, I miss the night we play dota together, its make me really sad that I cannot feel that anymore, I want to cry and cry. I miss UMS…

I don’t know what is happen to me this night, I feel so empty, sad and more lonely than yesterday. I keeping remembering my past that I try to forget, sweet memory can become poison memory for me, remembering the past, remembering the joy with my friend, makes me sad because I know that I cannot feel that anymore and never will. God!!! I want to cry the whole night!!!

Dear Allah, my God, I pray that You grant this servant a good fate and also a good future, please God, give me one more chance to make things right, please God, I cannot take Your test anymore, I need my friend and I miss them, please God, I miss the night that we spent together play dota whole night, please let me continue my study at Sabah and please make sure that my scholarship doesn’t end and I need money support to go there. I beg you, oh my God, the Almighty and the Most Merciful, Allah s.a.w, grant my wish… Amen…

As I thought, I don’t get my scholarship, I fail. I fail my mother hope, I fail my friends hope, I fail my Muslim parents hope, and I’m totally failure. I want to cry and cry the whole night, and at some point, I feel like my life is useless now, I feel like I don’t have any reason to live in His world, as if He planning to end my life earlier. If so, I don’t mind, I don’t mind if I die in younger age, nobody cares about me, except my mother of course but it isn’t enough. Only one person that love you and that person is your mom, is that enough for you? Only that person love you and nobody else love you as much as your mother love you, no one love or care about you, do you want to live in that life? Could you survive only one love? I want to be love right now, but I don’t have any love just God and my mom. God, I don’t know what you are planning on me, I pray to Allah so that I get my scholarship, my last chance to make things right again but I bet He has other plan for me and I don’t know what is that plan. All I can do is pray and hope that that plan could be better for me. I think His plan for me is, perhaps suicide. I do want to end my miserable quickly before it becomes worst, I did pray to Allah to end my life but He keeping torture my life, I don’t care if I go to hell, I just want this inner torture to end. I’m tired to wake up each morning to thinking about my life and what would happen in the future, I’m tired lie to my mom about the true, all I want is to stop this torture, this life torture, I don’t care if I have to eat melted lava in hell or cut my tongue or anything in hell, as long as I can end my life torture in this world. Come to think of it, no matter how much I pray and done something good, I still go to hell because I’m bisexual and this will give me a permanent ticket to hell and never ever watch what heaven looks like. I try to change it, I pray to God and I even use women in my fantasy but no use. I can fool everybody and act like straight but I cannot fool Allah, my God, so it is no use to try. Even I will go to hell doesn’t mean that I act like demon, I still believe it was His will and my fate is in hell, not everyone in this world will go to heaven, if everybody go to heaven, what use that God create hell at the first place? After we were born in this world, our fate has been set up and there is two place to go after we death, either heaven or hell.

As for me, my fate is hell, my afterlife is hell and I willingly accept it, after all, He is God, He is the master of all things, and as for me I must obey it.

I don’t have anyone to share my feelings… It’s too lonely here… I don’t have any friend that can understand my feelings, I don’t have any true friend that will understand my feelings, and all I want right now is to die.

Second day of my lifeless life, feeling sorrow and unbearable pain in my heart, I still want to meet my friends; after all, I miss them so much. But sadly, my scholarship doesn’t in yet or maybe it will never in. I don’t know what to do in my life anymore, find a job? That will shock my mom and my others friend, come to think, I can find a job at Sabah and at the same time, study at there. The problem is, I have to keep my grade 2.00 above, and can I study and work at the same time without disturbing my concentration? I don’t know. Perhaps I can and also perhaps I can’t. Dear Allah, please show me Your guidance and Your mercy to me… Please give me one more last chance… If you want it to… Amen

Enough talk about my regrets about the past, after all pass is past and we cannot undo the past in the past but we can undo the past in the future. That is what I trying to do but somehow Allah has other plan for me and I don’t know what.

Sitting here, in my room full with old memories and stuff that remind me about my past, good and bad and it’s too bad, I don’t have anyone to share it, I have someone but that person has gone already. Now just leave me and my stuff, all alone.

Perhaps I did want some pity from the readers that read my journal or I did want love and caring feeling towards me from the reader but who knows. The reason for me writing this journal is because it is the way that I express myself. Some people get lucky and have truly friend and understand what they have been through and some people are unlucky, such as me, don’t even know if I have a true friend or not. A friend that can accept my weaknesses and strength and most of all, accept the true me.

That kind of friend is hard to get as if finding a needle in land full of salt, the more you try to find it, the more sour challenge that you will face. The only friend that I have is my mom, my cats and God, Allah.

I speak to my cats even they doesn’t understand what I say, but I my heart, I believe that they understand it but couldn’t say in human language. Last time, I have 4 cats but now I only have 3 cats. I love my cat as much as I love my mom, perhaps my cat is the only my true friend, literally. I rise with cat beside me in my entire childhood until now; I can’t stop loving and care so much about cat.

I might have a chance to continue my study; I can sell my laptop to earn some money right? But it was a big sacrifice for me because my laptop is my life and everything. Actually it was someone who advice me to sell my laptop but at first I say it is impossible to say my laptop but then when I see how desperate I need to go back, I realize I must do something. Perhaps I will sell my laptop if my scholarship doesn’t come in this week, then I must do what I must do.

I’ve been thinking that I have to sell my laptop, with the money that I got, I might have the chance to survive at Sabah even I didn’t have any scholarship, I must undone what I did wrong in the past. It is like redemption to me thou, I know it was hard to live without a laptop but I must done that must be done. Perhaps it is good to me that I no longer have laptop, I can study more and social more with my friend.

Many reason for why I should and shouldn’t continue my study. The reason for why I should continue my study is I need to get a degree and after that I will get a job and started to live like a normal degree man live but most of all, it was my mother hope that I success in live. The second reason is why I should continue my study is because I don’t want to put a bad reputation to me and to my mother, I don’t care if somebody say bad thing to me but not to my mom, I love my mom and if someone say a bad thing about her, that person will know what is the meaning about son. Lack of financial support is the main reason why I shouldn’t continue my study, but it is not lack but no financial support. I have figure out how to get money while I studying, with working a part time job as a waiter at two different places. The salary quite good and expensive but I have to sacrifice my time with working and less studying. Last time, I spend more time playing game than studying but now, as if the situation remain unchanged.

All I hope is that this is the right choice in my entire life, I may have pick a bad choice but I pray to Allah and hoping that this is the right path for me to become a successful men. I miss my friend, even if they didn’t miss me like I miss them but still, they are my friend thou. My entire friend in my hometown where no way to be found just one. But he is no longer my friend.

In my entire life, I never breakup a friendship before, but people always breaking up friendship with me and I know it was my fault, but why is people very hard to accept a sincere apology, I try to be good to them but they sees me like a devil with dark cold heart. I was never wanted to fight with them at the first place, it is just my weakness, the way I communicate with people around me seems very rude in their eye but I was never mean any harm. Sometime is it me that people say very selfish person and never thinking about other people? Or perhaps it was the people around me being like that.

The way that I grow up makes me different thinker than other people that grow up normally. For me, cat is my childhood friend until now, is that normal to call your pets a friend? Have anybody care a cat just much that I care about them? Perhaps there is a person that feel the same what I feel, to grow all alone and become weirdo, not totally weirdo but weirdo enough to make people think I’m a weirdo.

Is it enough for me to pay my tuition just working as a waiter? Can I find another job that promises a big salary in very short period? Come to think of it, I can work as a prostitute but who wants to hire me? At least I must get rid my pimple and scar at my face and losing weight more until I become slim enough so that I can fit in size 30 or 34 something like that.

Much reader will confuse about my goal of life, sometimes I feel like I just want to die and sometime I feel like I want to live and have a happy life as if I have life in it. But the true is I don’t know what happen to me, perhaps I have bipolar or something. I read about bipolar and the entire symptom of being a bipolar, I have it.

I might have bipolar or anything mental disorder, you name it, but it doesn’t make any different, I still me. I learn very important things during the day that I felt discord and lost, I must go on and enjoy the life that Allah give me, it is not the end of the world yet and I still have many things to enjoy before I die. Perhaps some of it I might not enjoy but at least some of it.

This week actually already started the lecture but I still at my hometown, I don’t know if I can come late at my dorm registration or not, I try to ask my friend first.