I want to tell my story about the person who I think in love with, maybe it is not love-couple things feelings; it’s more like a brother to me. Before I continue telling my true story and other stuff, I just want to say that I am a bi person, perhaps. It’s not been so hard for me to be a big guy, nor that I have certain rule of life to obey but I try to reduce the percentage of bi to straight.
The true story that I want to tell is about someone that opens my eyes to the world of reality and fantasy. He is my friend and my enemy, he’s my love and my hatred, and he is my only family that I feel like family, beside my mom of course, she’s the one. There are so many things to say about his particular person. I like this person very much, as much as I hate him also. There is a paradox feeling about the person that you hate the most yet you love it as much as you hate it. Love itself is a mystery subjects that we, human, hard to understand what is the real meaning of love. Perhaps the real meaning of love is not the love human for other human, but the love human for its creator. Love between mankind is more complicated than the love between God and mankind. Enough of my lecturing about love, but I can’t stop it because that person is the reason I know better about love, it is his fault that make me realize this pain and joy being love. So many things happen between me and that person.
As my memory serves me correctly, I begin to know him since me in high school; he is a transfer student from religious school to public school. At first, I just watch him at the distant, don’t want to get close to him, afraid that someone say something bad like gay or something, but it’s not far from the true. I count dare to approach him so close and I feel comfortable watching him from afar.
I remember him when he comes to school, wearing a black blazer with his bold eye glass and his songkok, the face looking at me when I stare him secretly makes me feel something big in this person that will change my life, totally and it did. Something in his looks, makes me feel ease and happy, not lust but more to like then lust, I just could not express it. His cute but his is not my type. He become the prefect sectary during that time, it is a good job position to him, for his cuteness and softness in his heart and soul make him better man for that job, I think. I don’t remember much about the activity that I done with him during high school, the only thing I can remember is the bad memory that I want to forget it, very shameful memory. It is about I cause trouble to many people involving many of my so call friend and teacher, I don’t know what is happening to me at that time, crazing about something that I myself could not understand until this time. The only thing that can explain everything about my reaction and behavior is I need attention.
Can you imagine going home with no one on it, sometime there is and some there’s not? Can you imagine about being the only child in the family, neither brother nor sister that you can talk or ask for help? Can you imagine that there is nobody is teaching me how to ride motorcycle? Have you ever feel that lonely is the only brother and sister that you have in your childhood? Do you know what the meaning of lonely is? Everyone in this world has felt these feelings but is it the same with my feelings? Can you imagine being lonely with no one to talk just your pets and your parents working all day with little time to spend with you, entire your childhood? Spending your childhood in front of the TV it’s not a good memory for children. TV is the only friend you have in your childhoods; can you imagine what I have been through?
As time pass by, the passion, need and desperateness to have someone to talk seems growing more and more in my soul, that’s why I behave like that, that’s why I like troubling other to have attention on me. I had enough of this loneliness and it’s time to end this loneliness. Why am I talking about my miserable childhood, because it has to do with my memory about him? Yes it has. It’s hard for me to think again what have I been through during my high school periods, as if I myself digging my old wounds and let it bled once more, the past is too hard for me to remember.
I remember the time he slap my back with his palm, producing a very big slapping sound, at that point, I start to hate him, it was a love-hate feelings, not really hate. I think I cannot go on to tell the story, it’s too hard to remember him once more, every moment I spend time with him cures my loneliness, as I grow up and become a big men, as also my feeling to him growing, growing until its burden and such troublesome feelings to me. So many things happen, the time that we fight, the time that we with each other and all this time we spend together, I thanks to God because I have such beautiful time with him. Even it is just for short period with him but it is good enough for me to experience the love of a family, the joy to have a brother and the happiness with him, and even he doesn’t feel what I felt, it’s good for me and him. God always have his plan to all of us, and I think that it is the time for me to let go of him and move on my life. Not that I want to forget about him, it’s just that the more I think about him, the more I need to see him and talk to him and the more sadness will fill my empty heart. I don’t want empty and meaningless feelings to take over my soul again, enough is enough. It’s time to forget about him and his family, not that I want to but I must to do it for my future and for my better life.
Perhaps the reason for his lover and my sister to break up is because of me? Yes it was my fault, it’s all my fault. I admit it and I want to say sorry at that time, but I don’t know what is going on. At that time, I was very immature and need guidance for me so that I can be social with other human being. There is no one help me with that even my mom, only support me with her money but her guidance is what I really need.
There is a time that I want to commit suicide, not actual suicide but I did it because I don’t want my sister and him to separate, perhaps my method is cruel enough and makes them worried about me. The things is, he come at that night to save me, is that love for worrying about me?
19 December 2009, this is the last time I see him, see his face, see his beautiful smile and see my other family for the last time. My 2010 goal is to start a better life without him, no more him, I want to forget about him, totally forget about him, that’s my goal.
As for him, I thank you for giving such beautiful time with me, the joy and happiness that we spend together, I thank you for everything.
After all this days I try to forget him seems makes things growing harder than before. The needs to see him make me feel something that I shouldn’t and foremost forbidden to feel, that is missing him and I may love him not as a lover or base on lust but I love him as a person that very important to me, like a family. Is this love to him is a family love? I don’t know what kind or how is the feeling of family loves, the only love I can feel is my mom love to me. Maybe the mother loves almost the same as family love, but family means a big, lots of member such brother and sister, auntie and uncle, grandpa and grandma, niece and other family member. All this years, the only love I can feel is the love of my mom and God to me. I love my creator and my mom, I thanks to them so much and God my creator, I love you the most. Even sometime you makes me feel sad or hate, I know it is a test and a way to make me grow stronger to survive in your world but please guide me? Please guide your servant to make his love more beautiful than before and greater than before. Do I need a love? Perhaps I need love because I need to feel my lose love since childhood, a love from a men, perhaps.
I know that my way of writing is not very systematic but this is my way to write is write anything that pop-us in my mind, the true of me. For me, using verbal to express your feelings is not as good as using words to explain what you feel. I don’t have any friend that I can rely on to express my feelings, I just don’t want to say something that make my friend disgust about me, hate me and ignore what I truly am. Using a mask of life seems fit to me, so that my face of life or should I say the face of true will make me a demon in front of human life will hide forever, perhaps. The only person that understands how I felt is the only person that I ask for help, that is God. As always, I may not a man of God but my faith to Him is huge enough to make the man of God itself envy my faith.
I wrote this essay actually want to express my feelings, my pain and my joy with him. He may not know this essay but someday I wish I can express my feelings towards him directly, not secretly like what I’m doing right now. I don’t have a clue what he felt towards me, maybe hate, annoying, disgusting, or perhaps, just a little chance that he might love me the way I love him, as always not a lust, but a love of a brother and family. I’m not very a good shape just like him, is that way he treat me like this? My appearance is not good enough for him? I try to change my looks so that the people around me like me more than the last time but as for him, it seems has no effect to him. Could that mean he truly dislike me and hates me? How can I make him like me like before? Am I crazy about him?
Am I lonely? I cannot answer that question properly but I sometime lonely and sometime not because God is always with me even when the time I hate and ignore Him, but He still love me and always taking care of me.
Lonely is my friend and my enemy, I grow up with lonely, I know what is lonely felt, I know the pain and suffering that lonely has cause to my life, no one should be friend with lonely, it will consume you to the real meanings of loneliness.
Today is Christmas day, not that I celebrate it but I help my mom to celebrate it. That night before Christmas, Christmas Eve, I ask him to come over my house but all he says is ‘Insha’Allah’ Just say that you don’t want to come and not using this word when the percentage of no is more than yes! I hate that person, but at the same time I love him. He was the first step brother to me, the first men that I love. The first women that I love are my mom, and the first men that I love are my brother, that’s him. My father, I don’t know him very well; I don’t feel love to him.
Maybe I push him too hard to get what I want, he is an Aquarian, and he doesn’t like to be push. I don’t think about the problem that he have and I so selfish, always thinking about myself, that is my weakness. Being selfish all the time, but I couldn’t help it, I was born to be selfish, my mom taking care of me, and perhaps being a single child this family makes me a selfish person? But that selfish person is true me and that selfishness is like a skill to me that my mom makes me like that.
This writing is more like a diary to me; it is how I express my feelings with writing. Am I crazy about him? Am I taking a wrong or good choice to meet him at the first place? Am I overreacting? Or it just my needs to be love by men. Every person in this world must know what is the feeling being love or love men because there have their father or grandpa or brother or uncle. As for me, everyone in my family hates me because something that I had done last time. Even so, my mom tell me something yesterday that my uncle never give me money or anything since I was born in this world and my mom said that his father is very unfair with her. I felt pity about her but as for me, I feel sorry more than my mother to me.
It’s like more than half of my soul always thinking about him, since that day, the day that I got his phone number I always remember him and miss him very much. I don’t care or don’t mind that he has a girlfriend or boyfriend; I just want to tell him that he is my beloved brother not by sex but by family. He may not know how my feelings to him, but I know something, I know how my feelings towards him. All this day, somehow I think that it was a waste of time to miss him, love him, or need him as if he got the same feelings with me. I guess he already have someone that he love and I happy for him. Am I happy for him that he has someone that very important then me? Yes of course, its make me feel happy that there is a person that taking care of my beloved brother, what a beautiful relationship that he has. But I hope that he had a girlfriend then a boyfriend and I afraid of his future that he will stick with so many trouble. Am I sound like a mother to him? Probably yes.
I try to forget about him but I can’t!
Day passed, still I miss him. I don’t know what is going on to me, is it the punishment that I deserve by doing terrible things last time? Or it is just a way of life that I must survive in order to survive the world? So many question to be answer, so many things that could not be explain, and so many life that we, human could not understand. The only one that understand is our creator, as for us, we are just His servant, just following His flow.
Maybe I should forget about him and the past, or should I really forget about him? Can it make my life feel better than the life before? Can I be happy by just forgetting all about him? I’m sound like a couple that does not know what to do. Many times I explain that in my eyes, he just a brother and a family to me, not more nor less. Maybe my love to him is more than just brother? As always, I cannot understand my feelings, what my feelings are trying to tell me, I don’t know, only He knows the answer.
I don’t know what is going on with him, he’s smoking. Why would such a beautiful man doing something that will take away the beautifulness of his face? I smoke last time but I smoke because I’m stress out, could it be he also stress out, but what would he stress? I think he has such a good life than my life, an Aquarius is not an antisocial like Cancer, and Aquarius has a good social skill than Cancer has. Besides, he has many advantage, his looks, his tenderness and his personality, what could you be stress if you have this all.
Yesterday morning, I went to his house early morning and he still asleep when I arrive there. He and his sister were only one at that house, his sister looks the same, well almost the same, her personality very similar with his personality, I wonder. At first, after he invite me into his house, he when to sleep again, ignoring me. I cannot blame him because I was to one who interrupting his sleep. After a while I online in his house, he came out and make me tea with no sugar, well this almost new year week have a sugar crisis, I myself only drink milk coffee and tea. Then he goes back to his room again. Thanks for the no sugar tea, then again, he comes out and we started to talk a bit. He always teasing me, touching my hair, but I just ignore his teasing because I afraid that he might think that I like his teasing and misunderstand me. Then again he going back to his room and we chat at Facebook, he suddenly opens a topic that for me is very odd, the gay topic. He ask me either I gay or not? I simply say of course I’m not gay, but what I didn’t say is that I’m a bi person. That’s make me think, why did he ask me that question? Perhaps, or just perhaps, something that shouldn’t be truth becomes so true. I have something weird happen when I didn’t sleep well or don’t sleep at all; I become someone that not very quick embarrassed and sensitive, I become someone that have confidence to walk around in public, my worries about my looks and other else seems to gone, maybe because of my hormone and who knows?
There a reason for why I did not put the date when I wrote this dairy or journal, and the reason is I don’t know the date! Just kidding, the truth is I don’t know why I didn’t put date, some reader maybe confuse on my writing style but it is the way how I express myself, inner me. Only few person in this world know the real me, yet they don’t know how I feel and what is my favorite things do to or want. I myself don’t know what I like, maybe RPG game or sex or woman? Speaking about a beautiful creature that God create to please the men, I don’t have any special woman, except my mom of course. I have been a couple of relationship with girl, but went it come to love with woman, I’m not good at it. I may good as a friend but as a boyfriend, I don’t know how to make my girlfriend happy. Now, because of my fault, I desperate need women to fill my empty heart.
God, I know you listening to me right now please God, please make me stop thinking about him. Send me a girl or someone that can make my mind doesn’t think about him anymore! I can’t take it, if this is your test, so please, grant me your blessing and your guidance so that I can overcome your test. Protect my mom, You are the most powerful God and the Only God that exist in this world, please protect my mom, even if I die, please help her to take it. As for me, God of all the reason of existent, help me and guide your faithful servant to a good future life, please make my future a good future, good then before and make the flow of my life to successful and happy. Help me in all situations, God.
Today, I did something, or should I say I say something to him that I regret it. Not totally regret it because I feel relief and it’s like a burden have taken away from me, telling the truth to him. I wonder it is a good thing to do or the right thing to say that I sound like I love him and need he badly? What would he think about me after that? He didn’t reply me after I send it; I wonder what is in his mind? He probably disgust to see me, like a dirty men that desperately need someone to company him. There is no chance that he would say the same thing that I say to him, not even close. I guess that is it, I need to forget about him and start to think about something that is important than him, like my study or my life or my problem. Perhaps, next year would be better for me, who knows I might have a girlfriend?
I think that this year is the last year that I should remember him in my entire life, the next year is the year without him and I think it is good for both of us. I will not disturb his life and he will not make me miss him and everything that is happening to me now. One of my determinations for next year is MY LIFE WILL BE BETTER WITHOUT HIM, MY LIFE WILL BE PERFECT WITHOUT HIM, before that happens, I need to let him know that this year is my last year to him.
When I was working as a waiter at the international hotel with him, I started to learn how to smoke and then when he saw that I was smoking with my friend, his facial expression was totally change. Is it meaning something? I didn’t realize it until now, perhaps he does love me at that time, and I didn’t notice it.
Before that happen, I still want to enjoy my life with him till the end of this year, I still want to miss him and hunger for his love, I still see him like a brother to me, I still want to have a family that cares about me, I still want him. And yet, after the end of this year, I will let him go just like he let me go. Maybe he tired with my drama queen behavior, that’s why he ignoring me. I will forget about him. I have 2 more days to remember him and last night I cry. Not that I cry for him, but I cry for myself, showing how pathetic and fool I am like him at the first place, sometimes I regret that I know him. There was a time that after the school, he asks me to wait him at the prefect room that was a good memory for me. I wish that scientist create a memory erase so that I can erase his happy memory in my head. Why would I remove this joyful time that I spend with him? Because the more I remember him, the more pain that I got from that memory.
I have decided that the last thing that I going to do am make him a cake, not a cake, but three cake just for him. The first cake is my special British Chocolate Cake. Freshly steam cake with coco powder, browning sugar, cream milk and sugar make this cake sweet as my memory to him. The second cake is the Book Layer Cake; this cake is traditionally make in Sarawak and one of the most good layer cake makers in the world. The mixture of Horlick powder and cream milk make the cake taste like a happy moment went you eat this cake. Most importantly is each layer of this cake reminds me the happy moment with him. The final cake is the Sweet and Sour Layer Cake Sarawak Style. Each of these layers covered with haw flacks, which make the cake sweet and sour. Instead of using flour, this cake using Osborne Crackers powder, showing the differences about our relationship. The sweet of this cake describe the sweetness of being love as a brother and the sourness showing that it is not easy being love or love with somebody that you not sure if that person loves you back. The final cake is the most favorite of mine; it’s describing my life with him. After I send that cake, I will and I must forget about him, totally forget about him, his family, his mom, my step brother and sister, my family and everything that have to do with him. I have such wonderful time with his family, and I grateful to God that show me this big and good family.
God of Most Mercifulness and Kindness, grand us your blessing and bestow it to this family that have been taking good care for me. Protect them Oh Your Great One from harm and give them a good flow of fate to them and God, I thank you again for having such beautiful time with this family, even it is not my family, but I see them as my true family.
The question that I ask him still no answer, perhaps it doesn’t need an answer, because for him, I’m nothing, that’s why he didn’t reply it, nothing! Oh well…
Today I receive a good news, I pass all my semester course, well except my Kokum, I didn’t aspect that to be past in my result. At first, I ask my friend to check for me, us then, I suddenly ask him to check for me. I didn’t aspect that he willingly to check for me, must I be happy that suddenly he replies my text message? Why didn’t he reply my most important message that I send to him? Maybe because he ignoring my love types message and my expression to him, or just maybe, is it hard for him to answer it? Who knows?
I have been thinking that I probably should print this letter and send to him with my cake this Saturday. My life with him just likes a drama, or maybe I’m the one who start this drama. He’s an Aquarian, he was a good friend and likes to be friend with anybody even a worst friend like me.
Am I a lonely guy? Am I truly lonely in this world? I not good as him when it come to friendship, I always ruin up or seek trouble in every friendship, like my relationship between my senior. I hate myself, I hate the part that I overconfidence with my friend, and I hate myself because I always ruin things.
Compare to him, I nothing. His cute and friendly, while I not cute and antisocial. He is in good physical shape while I’m not. He has the good life, very good life, and good family that always supporting him. As for me, what is family to me? My mom, that’s all my family that I got. She is the one who know what I am and what are my favorite things. I totally different from him, I wish I have a life that is same like him. Not that I don’t appreciate my life, I do happy that God give me this life, but I just don’t know how to get through this life. Am I envy to his life? Yes I am, probably he has a great and good girlfriend right now. As for me, I only have me, and of course God is my friend too. I pray to you O Great One, please grant me, your servant a good life and friend. Please make me closer to You, I don’t have real friend that I can share my story beside him and you. Even so, I have to leave him in the past, so that the past remain past and I have to go with my life, I can leave the past behind but as for him, I cannot leave him. Honestly, I don’t know what to do right now. I cannot decide should I forget him or not? If I want to forget him then why should I bake him a cake? Why should I keeping writing this shit about him?
If you know that writing this shit will make you remember him than you should stop writing it. You make yourself miserable, I don’t care about you, he didn’t even reply your love message, and he doesn’t a shit of you. He probably thinking something that has nothing to do with you, but you, always has something to do with him. This guy, make you crazy and yet you even don’t know if he likes you or not? He might like you but can you expect he like you as much as you like him? Do you want a brother that doesn’t care about you? Do you want a brother that always hurting you so badly? Does he treat you like a brother? It was your fault that you become like this, it was your fault that you remember his email and add him as a friend at the Facebook. It was you that want to remember him; it is not his fault that you become like this. It was you that want to remember the past about him; it was you that make your heart bleed more than ever. He might have a good night sleep because he doesn’t have any problem as you, he live in happy life that doesn’t care about your suffering. He doesn’t care a shit about your miserable life and probably he didn’t even think about you a day yet you always thinking about him every single day or perhaps hour or minute. He has a life, and you have your life, your both life are different, so please, stop thinking about him, it is useless. You spend your entire semester break just thinking about him, that’s stupid. Compare to joy that you get when you meet him then your pain because of him, you should be smart to stop this before it get worst, before you truly love him and make you dreaming about him every day. You should not visit his mom and get his phone number at the first place. You cause yourself trouble in the past and now you cause another same trouble, have ever learned your lesson last time you did this trouble? It’s all because of him; he will make you suffer with or without knowing it. Ask yourself this, did he know that you cry for him or that you cry because of him? Did he care about your silliness? He don’t feel anything that you feel, he just like a very famous man among the girl and you are one of his stupid friend that already know he is not your dream man and yet still dream and missing about him. You should stop this.
Perhaps, but I don’t know what to do. I know that I probably overreacting about him, but that is just who I am. I cannot change to way I am, it is impossible, I try to change once but it make even worst. Sorry, I will change if I got the intervention of the divine, perhaps I will change.
In my religion, the person that lust with both sex is consider a citizen of hell. That’s mean your ticket to hell is certain and there is no ticket to heaven available. It was the one of the most sins of all sin. I cannot change my bisexual personality but all I can do is put in the closet. Wearing a straight mask and hide the bi mask is the only thing that I can do. But God knew everything, that’s why He’s God.
This new year eve morning, as I write my expression, I realize that I’m the one who loser here, not him, I’m the one who find trouble in peaceful heaven, it was me who ruin everything and now, it is time to stop it. Stop this meaningless relationship is the only option that I have. There is no other option, what? Try to be friend with him and not having a brother relationship? Are you nuting? I can’t do that; I can’t expect him to be friend with me after I confess to him that I like him. He totally hate it when an ugly like me like him, he do like me if I am one of the handsome or cute boy in the world. My heart is nothing to him.
So this is it, after me finishing my cakes and publishes this writing on my blog, that is it, it’s time to let it go. For him, maybe he have not problem to forget me, but as for me, it’s hard for me, as if he is my other heart, throw away that heart or being left by that heart makes me sad and lonely. But then again, I must and I will.
After all this year, he was a good, nice and kind friend, and mostly he is good brother. Even he did not see me as his brother, but I think he’s a good brother. He was lucky have a good life, good education of religion, as for me, I even don’t know how to read our holy text properly.
Did I write these things to get pity from the reader? Perhaps yes, but I write these things only because I don’t have any person to talk to about my feelings. I don’t have any brother or sister to talk to about my feelings. I don’t have any friend that I can trust and confess about the truth me, beside him.
I wonder what will happen if I handed him this writing, crying? That’s what I expecting from him. Laughing at me and say you so stupid, freak and crazy gay men? Perhaps so, this journal is not fully my expression and feelings towards him, he somehow put a curse on me so that I will remember him and crazy about him every day and never let me go until death took place.
I remember that we use to walk around his hometown at the night and there is one time we walk beside the river and it was very romantic, yet I hope the same thing will happen in the future. There is so much thing that I want to do with him, like going shopping together, watching movie together or just walking and talking with him is good enough to me.
After I finishing my training, well not exactly finish, I ask him to pick me up at the airport, and he did pick me up but with someone and I don’t know how that is someone, perhaps it was his sugar daddy, and the reason why I didn’t finishing my training because I continue my study at the high school. As far as I remember, he also has been offered to continuing his study at the same school with me. I remember that the night before our school season open, he say that he too accept the offer, and I was very happy that I will going to school with my brother again. He agrees that we will meet each other in the morning, and I wait, I wait for him, still no sign of so called brother. I text him and ask him why didn’t he come? I didn’t reply me, I keeping texting him and still no reply. After that, I stop texting him. I don’t remember what happen next. I remember I got a huge fight with him and after that, I completely stop messaging him.
It is fun and weird to write this journal because it’s all about him and me. I spend my entire days remembering him and I write it each detail about what I feel that day. Each time, after I finish writing this journal, I began to read it once more, I realize that all this things, all this pain and suffering that I been through, it’s make my soul grow stronger and make me realize that it was a waste of time writing this shit. Final question, is it my fault?
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